I woke up with a violent shudder. I immediately sat up right where I was. Panic-stricken, I looked around, trying to understand what was happening. I looked at Amaia, who was sleeping next to me. The light filtering into the dark room defined her facial features. The fact that her eyes were closed told me everything was fine. The heavy workload was taking its toll on me. As my brain slowly came to its senses, it brought along documents, files, and endless numbers. I leaned my head back. I was staring blankly into the room. I hadn’t told Amaia yet, but I was planning to quit my job next week. I was having a hard time making time for her. I was so busy with work that numbers wouldn’t leave me alone for the rest of the day. I was bored and overwhelmed. I was undecided about what I would do when I left the job. The first option that came to mind was to continue my profession at a company with better conditions. I would be rid of the work intensity, but I would continue to sell my happiness. I would open my eyes and get out of bed before the sun had even risen. After putting on my shirt and jacket, I would put on my tie. This was my leash. I didn’t want it to be this way.1
I looked at Amaia. She was continuing her sweet sleep. The other option was a dark road with no end. I would leave everything behind and build from scratch. It brought thousands of questions with it. Would I be able to succeed? Would I be able to be happy? Was it worth it… Years ago, I wouldn’t let the pen drop from my hand. I would write something at every opportunity I found. When I showed them to others, beautiful comments would be with me. That was what made me happy. I began to hold onto writing more tightly. Those who read my writings continued to say they were beautiful. As I continued to write, I realized the truths. Not everyone liked what I wrote, nor did they have to. I accepted this fact with maturity, but there was one thing I could not accept. My family didn’t care about what I wrote at all. That is how I stopped writing years ago.
I began to settle gently back into my bed. I placed my head on the pillow and pulled the blanket over me. The last thing I saw before closing my eyes was Amaia. I was definitely going to talk to her about this after work tomorrow. I woke up with a violent shudder. From my sleep once more… I was continuing to shake. I opened my eyes in panic. Seeing the walls trembling, I was seized by a great terror. My heart could not stay still, tearing through my ribcage. In a moment, the walls would rise up and march upon me. Loud noises accompanied the trembling of the walls one by one. Frames were breaking free from where they hung; perfumes, makeup, and other products on the dresser were falling to the ground in sequence. The wardrobe drawers opened and closed, adding noise to the noise. All this horror and panic was alerting my brain. I had only been awake for seconds, but my mind had begun to work furiously. I had to get out of bed immediately and leave the house.
While the horns of several vehicles blared incessantly, I was trying to sit up on the shaking bed. That was when I heard the most terrifying sound of my life. I had heard this sound before in my life. In documentaries about glaciers or movies set in the glaciers. 2 Large pieces of ice created rifts as they separated from the ice islands. The size of the rifts was different every time, but that sound never changed. For a second, it drowned out all other noises. I was staring at the rift I saw running all the way across the ceiling. I had no time to leave the house. I didn’t even have time to think. I immediately threw myself to the floor and took shelter beside the bed. A great commotion broke out. I closed my eyes tightly. All I did was beg God.
The incredible pain I felt in my left foot made my brain throb. This was a pain I had never felt before in my life. Every time my brain throbbed, it felt like it would explode, unable to carry the pain. The most natural reflex against pain was to scream. Such a pain would be enough to make a person scream at the top of their lungs, but when fear paralyzed my entire body, no sound came out of me. I grimaced, clenching my teeth. Everything had happened in the blink of an eye. I could no longer hear any sound around me. I was hurting, and I was having difficulty breathing. Dust particles mixing into the air filled right into my lungs. Without delay, I began to cough. I would take one breath and cough twice. I pulled the collar of my clothes over my nose. I could breathe better, but it didn’t block all the dust. As my coughing continued, I was chewing dust particles between my teeth. Once my lungs were rid of the dust particles even a little bit, I found the opportunity to think.
I wasn’t the only one lying under the walls!
“Ama-ia, hear me” – I couldn’t stop coughing from the dust that escaped down my throat. “Can you hear me? Amaia!”
In response to my voice, I couldn’t hear Amaia’s voice. There was only one option that came to mind. Amaia was lying in peace just minutes ago. It was only minutes ago. I wanted to look into her beautiful eyes one more time. I had met Amaia very late in my life. She 3 wore a white dress that extended to the floor, and I wore a black suit. All the spectators were about to witness what would happen next. And everything started with a “Yes!”, was it going to end like this now?
“Amaia, Amaia! Please, is anyone there? Anyone who hears my voice… One person, please”…
Only silence greeted me. I was buried alive. There was not even a single person, a single voice, who knew I was here. My eyes began to fill with tears. I was aware of all the realities. My heart was aching. Because I was glad for Amaia’s death. God had taken her to His side quickly. I was lying in pain inside the darkness. I was alone with my thoughts. Soon, I would be by Amaia’s side too. In this tiny place, a person couldn’t calculate time. How long had I been with my thoughts? Wasn’t time relative? Between the darkness and my thoughts, minutes turned into hours. When I moved slightly where I lay, the pain throbbed through my brain again. I clenched my teeth as hard as I could and resisted the pain. I needed to find out how bad the situation was. Slowly, I began to check my surroundings. I raised my hands up. Twenty or thirty centimeters above my chest, there was a wall sloping down toward my legs. I carefully ran my hands over it. It was smooth and in one piece. The wall was crushing the bed I was adjacent to on my right. On my left, I could move my right foot in the four-five centimeter gap left between the sloping wall. My left leg, however, was trapped under the wall. When I probed the wall a bit more, I realized it extended to the left side, but my fingers could not reach the end of the wall.
I was lying full length next to Amaia. I was alive, and she was there… Above everything else, one question remained. Why had I survived?
Breathing had become a little easier. I had stayed with my thoughts inside the darkness for so long that I began to question 4 reality. It was like a dream. I was having difficulty distinguishing what was real and what was imagination. I was inside pitch darkness. Everything consisted of a great void. This body, this wall, Amaia… What was real? I wanted to wake up. I wanted to wake up and see Amaia. I wanted her to tell me that everything was fine. And I waited, I waited to wake up. There was something I heard. It was the very essence of the great silence itself.
I had been here for weeks. I had been thinking for days. I had been feeling for hours. I was born minutes ago.
There was nothing left for me to take other than two more breaths. I closed my eyes. I didn’t know how much longer I could endure. Sleep was weighing down on me, and I was cold. My grave was ready.
A sound… Another sound… Another sound of a footstep…
I opened my sleepy eyes to the darkness. Someone was walking and whispering just beyond the wall. The voice inside me was screaming that something was wrong, but my numb brain could not discern what was wrong.
“I’m here! I’m here, help!”
The footsteps stopped, and suddenly the noise of a stone-drilling machine covered everywhere. The sound of the machine echoed around me; I didn’t understand where it was coming from. After a short time, further down the void extending to my left, I noticed a deeper, thudding sound compared to the other noises. Finally, I was being rescued. 5 Amaia… We will never know God’s plans.
When the sound of the machine began to sputter, I saw the white light leaking through the cracks. When the machine stopped completely, I was looking at a hole a human could barely squeeze through. While the powerful white light filled my eyes, a hand reached out to me. Without thinking, I extended my left hand.
Just as our fingers were about to touch… I went back to before everything. Even before the big bang. And then I was born.
The first thing I saw was my mother’s face. It was a face that would never be forgotten, even if years passed. She took me into her arms. She was looking into my eyes. Suddenly, I saw a smile beyond everything. The one in front of me had to be an angel…
My world no longer consisted of just a room. I was going to the playground and making new friends. They were definitely the best times of my life. I believed the whole world was within the palms of my hands. I would play with my friends all day long. The only obstacle was our imagination.
The tablecloth I tied around my neck would become a cape for me, and I would instantly transform into a superhero. The bag I put on my back and the toy gun I took in my hand were enough for me to be a ghostbuster. Any wooden stick would make me a knight. Every adventure of a knight was unique from one another. One day I was in the presence of the king, another day I would go to the other end of the world, and another day I would rescue the princess imprisoned in the tower from the hands of the dragon. I was a superhero. I was a ghostbuster. I was a knight. I was whatever I wanted to be…
I met paper and pen in the first grade. In the beginning, everything looked very scary. Then I learned the existence of letters. I left all my fears behind. I used to think ‘A’ was the beginning of everything, until I met ‘Z’. All these letters came together to form the world. They formed my world…6
Years chased one another. Each new year, I moved to a new grade. After the first grade, school became a very boring place. I was imprisoned in the place called school. I realized that the world I created in my mind and the real world were very different. Every time, they admonished me to keep my grades good. Their entire justification was the profession I would practice ten years later. I wanted to do what I loved. The grown-ups always knew best, they always thought of me…
In this boring world where only money talked, I had made my decision. I wasn’t going to be a superhero or a knight, but I could be a writer. It was still possible in real life with the help of paper and pen. I could save people in all worlds, defeat all dragons. Writing was what I wanted to do for a lifetime, not ten years later…
I experienced the second big shock of my life in the middle of high school. I believed that my mother, who was beyond angels, would always support me. I was wrong once again. When I said I wanted to be a writer, she said, ‘Writing won’t earn you money.’ I just loved to write. I wasn’t smart or mature enough to oppose them. I believed what they said. I put down the pen, never to write again…
I managed to get into a decent university out of town. I had a more comfortable life. No one was telling me to study. I was having fun with my friends, going from one party to another. One day, at one of the parties, I fell in love with the girl who appeared before me. It started with a drink. We chatted for hours. Later in the night, we went to her house. The world was mine. I knew these days wouldn’t last long. My lessons piled up on top of each other, and I extended my university years. A great anxiety seized me. If I couldn’t finish university… Every time my friends called, I rejected them. Numbers were taking the place of fun…
Finally, I managed to finish university. We took a few photos at the graduation ceremony. At the very end, they shoved a diploma into my hand. It was a special piece of paper. It was decorated with gold-embroidered writing. On the paper 7 was my name, the name of the university, the name of the department I earned, and a signature. It was proof that I had earned the university degree…
Before long, I got a job at a company. Now I was earning the money necessary for my life. My family was happy. My boss was happy. I was pretending to be happy too. What was all this for? Asking questions was not to my benefit. On top of that, it made everything even worse. As days chased days, I got used to this cycle and stopped asking questions. Some evenings, before going home, I would go to a bar and unwind. Going to the bar was one of my greatest pleasures. Over time, I managed to catch the company’s eye. It didn’t take long for me to get a promotion either. I was earning more, working more. I couldn’t even find time to go to the bar, which was my only fun…
They used to say half of a lifetime is thirty. Today I turned thirty years old…
I woke up to another day. While I had dozens of reasons to go to work, a voice inside me said otherwise. There wasn’t even a single thing in my life that excited me. I left the house and got into my car. I needed to get away from this city. I drove the car to the train station. I bought my ticket for the first train that would move…
“Hello.”
As I raised my head, I saw a woman looking at me.
“Pardon?”
The woman smiled gently. “I just said hello.”
“Hi. Oh, hello…”
“Can I sit next to you?”
During the rest of the journey, I learned her name was Amaia. Unlike me, she radiated joy to her surroundings. Amaia had stirred my emotions that I had buried deepest inside me…8
What was I living for?
I was thinking about the happiest day of my life. Right now, my happiness was worth ten times that day. Today we were becoming one. How happy we were. Our dreams had grown even bigger…
The company was taking steps to expand. The work grew even heavier than before, my night and day blended into each other. Sometimes I brought work home, and I couldn’t dedicate enough time to Amaia. I was experiencing the pain of not being able to realize our dreams…
At an hour of the night, I woke up with a shudder. My sleep was being interrupted constantly. I looked at Amaia, who was sleeping peacefully. I had made my decision…
I was all alone inside the darkness. I had opened my arms, waiting for death. Suddenly, I heard a sound I should never have heard. Someone was there, someone had come to save me. While the powerful white light filled my eyes, a hand reached out. Just as our fingers were about to touch…
I was being rushed to the hospital on a stretcher. Upon arriving at the hospital, they immediately took me into the operating room. The last things I remembered were the lights above me. When I opened my eyes, there was a great absence. My left leg was missing below the knee…
I was thinking about what happened in the hospital room. The doctors were saying I could still walk with a prosthetic leg. Walking or not walking was not something I cared about. Amaia was being buried in the ground, and I was lying in a hospital room. The person I loved was dead. I couldn’t even see her off. What was the point of walking after this hour? Even if I had a prosthetic leg, a part of me would always be missing…
Days began to chase one another like this. A second chance had been given to me, but I couldn’t rejoice. I had left the hospital and settled into my family’s home. I could handle my basic needs with difficulty. I quit my job. I had no intention of ever going back, but I didn’t have the strength to take a step 9 forward either. Within days, I started arguing with my family. I had reached the end of the tolerance they offered me. Leaving the family home, I rented a small house for myself. A small house was enough for someone with two canes…
One day, I remembered Amaia in my dreams. “You can be a writer.”
I couldn’t do this. It had been a few months since I turned thirty-four. I didn’t remember the last time I picked up a pen to write. My world consisted of numbers. Numbers were not like words. They were precise, clear, hard to tear down. Suddenly, I froze right where I was, then looked around. I couldn’t see a single person telling me that I couldn’t do it. I had heard words from everyone about how I couldn’t do it. Had they tried even once that they were telling me I couldn’t do it? Not once in this life did I try to realize my dreams. I had always called the impossible, impossible. What was the impossible? Wasn’t the impossible the obstacles we placed upon ourselves? I spent my lifetime learning this. Now I was approaching thirty-five. How foolish I had been…
Paper and pen were my favorite friends. Now I wasn’t a superhero or a knight. I didn’t know what I should write either. I wanted to write what came from inside me. Months had passed since Amaia’s death, but its pain was fresh inside me. And I started writing…
The writing I started was growing with each passing day. I had been able to soothe the pain inside me to some extent. The world I created from numbers in my mind had not disappeared, but I understood that there was room for words alongside numbers. I had always dreamed of writing a book full of pages. The book I managed to write was around one hundred pages. When I finished the book, I found the strength in myself to take a step. I wanted to get rid of these canes and get a prosthetic leg. As I approached thirty-seven, I was telling myself that it was not too late for anything…10
I had been rejected by yet another publishing house. I was writing my second book, and on the other hand, trying to get used to my prosthetic foot. I was enduring until the day I would finally break the devil’s horn… When I finally succeeded, a sequence of beautiful events followed one after another…
“Today I got rid of the canes. I wanted to give this news to you first. I haven’t been able to get used to your absence, but right now I have a better life. My third book is about to be published. A few weeks ago, I received a call. I was asked if I would like to participate in a signing day. Two days ago, I was at the signing day. I heard a few people address me as ‘Writer’. Finally, my books had started to earn money, but it had never been about the money. I wish you could be by my side to see me. Rest in peace, Amaia.”
Just as our fingers were about to touch… At the tip of my finger was a skeleton hand, and right behind it, where her eyes should have been, was a skull with hollow gaps resembling a deep pit. And at that moment, I understood the whole truth…11