My bleary eyes, sleepless and tired, seemed like they were closed for good. It was painful to open my eyes, but I had to force them open. I could sleep a little more… Just a little more… I didn’t want to leave my cozy bed. I opened my eyes suddenly. I couldn’t sleep any longer! I couldn’t be late for work. I sat up in bed as I rubbed my eyes. I dangled my feet off the bed. I rubbed my face and eyes, trying to get myself together. I opened my eyes to a day without my mum by my side, once again.
I looked at the single armchair at the foot of the bed. My mother was asleep, leaning on the arm of the single armchair. She must have fallen asleep while waiting for me. I didn’t want to wake my mother up. Despite the fatigue of my body, I forced myself to stand up quietly.
I went around the wooden table in the center of the room and left the room. I quickly entered the bathroom at the end of the corridor. When I turned on the fountain, the sound of running water filled the bathroom. I splashed a handful of water hard onto my face. I did it to snap myself out of it. After a few more splashes, I pressed my hands firmly against my face and wiped it down. I could see every drop falling from my face in the mirror. But those drops weren’t the only thing I saw. Dark circles under my eyes, and worse than those—a pair of eyes I hated looking at. They just reflected a life tossed around aimlessly.
I noticed my mother standing in front of the door. I showed the comb in my hand to my mother. She was probably going to say that I would be late for school, but she always let me comb my hair. I parted my hair, which was at eye level, nicely in the middle. Finally, I made a few adjustments. My mother came up to me and started to push me lightly on my back. She was trying to pull me away from the sink.
‘‘Time’s up, honey.’ְ’ I struggled to look at myself in the mirror one last time. Finally, my mother took the comb from my hand. ‘You’re already handsome.’
My mum said those words to me, meant everything to me.
I stopped resisting and left the bathroom. When I came back to the room, I started to put on the clothes I had thrown on the sofa yesterday. I threw the ones I took off instead of the ones I was wearing. If I lingered at home a little longer, I would be late for work. I went straight to the outer door. As soon as I put my hanging jacket on my back, I went up to the apartment building. When I left the fourth floor behind and reached the third floor, I slowed down my steps. I didn’t want the landlord to come to the door when he realized that I had come down. I didn’t know what to say to him if he noticed me. In that case, the best thing was to run away. I knew this was not the right thing to do, but it was the only thing I could do.
At the end of the staircase, I stepped out of the apartment door. The pavement was full of people in the morning rush. Everyone was in a hurry to get somewhere. I was no different from them. I was stuck in a monotonous life, drifting away. What was all this for? People didn’t even have time to yield for a moment. I took a chance and mingled with the people. I started walking towards the metro station four streets away. As I walked on the pavement, I could feel people’s gaze on me. I involuntarily made eye contact with some of them, no matter how much I averted my eyes, it was not possible. I could understand them looking at me, they were saying that I didn’t belong here. And they were right, I shouldn’t be here.
I was pressing the bell vigorously and repeatedly for my mother to open the door. I was trying to wipe my tears with the back of my sleeve. As I wiped them away, new ones took their place. I could not control my tears. When my mother opened the door, it was clear that she was not waiting for me behind the door. I sniffled my runny nose while I continued to cry in front of her.
When she got over her confusion, she bent down on her knees and hugged me. ‘‘Why are you crying, honey?”
‘‘Th-They keep laughing at the things I do at school, Mummy.’’
Mum put a beautiful smile on her face. ‘‘Well, these things happen to all of us at one time or another. They’ll accept you, I’m sure of it.’’
Mum’s calm attitude calmed me down a little. When I was about to open my mouth, she hugged me tightly. She was patting my head. I stopped saying anything. All I did was to put my arms around mum’s neck.
When I saw the red light turn green, I crossed the street, along with all the other people. The subway station was just up the street. When I reached the top of the stairs, I started to go up to the subway station. While waiting for the subway, I was looking at the rails. Around the rails, there was garbage like chocolate wrappers and napkins, as well as deformed and blackened garbage.
I was focusing on the rails. It was one of those moments when I forgot everyone around me for a moment. I came here every day, in front of the tracks. If I had a little courage, I would have taken that step, but I didn’t. I took a step back when I saw the metro approaching from ahead. People were hurrying to get on as if the metro was going to leave without taking anyone. I stepped into the subway behind the last person who got on. Everyone was sitting except for a few people. A seat in the middle of the subway caught my eye, but I didn’t sit down. I didn’t prefer to be near people. After the doors closed, the subway started to move slowly. I was holding on to the rail next to the door and looking outside. I couldn’t remember how many times I had passed through here. In fact, I didn’t even know what day it was today. The last day was Sunday, Monday… and today was Tuesday… Or Wednesday. It didn’t matter, all that mattered was how I felt. I’d seen the roofs of the houses I’d seen yesterday, and I’d see them tomorrow, and the days after that.
As I was looking outside, I saw a familiar face next to my reflection in the window. When I looked a little more carefully, I realized it was my mother. I looked back quickly so as not to miss her. But instead, I saw the woman standing by the opposite door, looking at me as if I had done something wrong. I turned away in disappointment. I missed my mum, but I knew she was still with me.
I had finally arrived at my stop. When the subway opened its doors, people tried to get off as they got on. I was the last one off the subway. When I was halfway up the stairs, leaving the station behind me, I looked at the café where I worked. I could see inside from the front facade, most of which was glass. I saw Alexis wiping down the tables.
Now I was standing under the sign of Serenity House. This café was a part of my monotonous life. By pushing the door, I made the bell hang in the upper corner chime. There were many tables compared to the size of the cafe. It was quiet inside because they were empty now.
‘‘Good morning, Theodore.’’
I greeted Alexis with a small nod. She was still wiping down the tables as I walked past her. I went into the small corridor to the left of the counter. I’m going to go to the storeroom and put on my apron. As I walked down the corridor, the door to the toilet opened. Simon came out from inside.
He was wiping his wet hands on his apron. “Welcome.”
I left him with a small nod and quietly entered the storeroom. I was moving towards the coat rack in the corner. I found the apron I wore every day among the hanging items. I hung up my jacket and put the apron on. I left the storage room and went to the front. Simon was at the counter and Alexis was wiping down the tables. Alexis had cleared almost all the tables. I grabbed a shovel and a broom.
When I was halfway through the shop, Simon walked past me. “I’m going out for a smoke.”
I didn’t like it when Simon smoked, but I couldn’t say anything about it. I can’t remember a morning when he didn’t smoke. Every morning the shop opened, he set everything up before the customers, and then he would smoke. I heard the bell chime, and Simon went round to the right of the shop, not bothering with the front door. Through the window I could see what he was doing. First, he took a cigarette from the cigarette packet and placed it between his lips. He paused as he reached into his pocket for his lighter. He was searching in his pockets, and after some effort he finally managed to find the lighter. He lit the cigarette and took a deep breath. Simon’s behavior reminded me of him. He was always smoking and never took his cigarette out of his mouth.
I took my favorite book from my bookshelf. I loved this adventure. I went to bed before my mother came. The door of the room was slightly open. The light from the corridor did not illuminate my room completely, but it was enough to read a book. I excitedly opened the place I stayed and started reading.
‘‘On the clearest of nights when the winds of the Etherium were calm and peaceful the great merchant ships with their cargoes of Arcturian sura crystals felt safe and secure little did they suspect that they were pursued by pirates… And the most feared of all these pirates was the notorious Captain Nathaniel Flint…’’
The door started to open a little more. ‘‘Mum, will you read me a book?’’
She sat on the edge of the bed. She was looking at the book and looking at me. ‘‘Aren’t you too old for this?’’
‘‘No…’’ I knew I was old, but I loved being read to by Mum. ‘‘Come on, come on Mum!’’
She smiled and took the book from my hand. ‘‘…And then they collected the loot and disappeared without a trace. Flint’s hidden treasure was never found. But rumors spread that the treasures he stole were in the farthest reaches of the galaxy…’’
‘‘Get me a cold beer!’’ I looked at my mother. The smile on her face had disappeared, only to be replaced by uneasiness.
‘‘That’s enough for today.’’ She closed the book and put it on the bedside table. After getting out of bed and kissing my forehead goodnight, she called my father. ‘‘I’ll bring it right away.’’
Alexis was attending to a customer who had just arrived at the counter. ‘‘Yes, sir, what can I get you?’’
New people started to come to the café. Customers were chatting among themselves. Those with groups of friends were the loudest. I think this explained my situation once again. Some of them were sitting alone. Why would a person sit alone in a café? What could you do by yourself? One of them was working on his computer, but I couldn’t make sense of the others. Looking around the café, many tables were still empty. They would gradually fill up towards noon. The queue at the counter had increased a little more. Alexis was taking the orders, and Simon was preparing the coffee. When I heard the bell, I looked at the door.
Alexis nudged me lightly on the shoulder. ‘‘Theodore, she’s here.’’
I was looking at Alexis, who had a little smile on her face and was looking at me. I couldn’t understand what she meant. Why was this girl coming here on a regular basis? I looked at her again. She was coming through the crowd with her blonde hair and round glasses towards the cash register. She told Alexis what to drink in front of the till. Alexis took the payment after a few keystrokes at the till. The girl was looking at me as she moved to the left of the counter. I wasn’t looking at her, but I could feel her gaze on me.
Soon Simon had her order ready. ‘‘Here’s your coffee, bon Appetit.’’
As soon as she took the coffee Simon handed her, she turned her back. She was trying to choose a place to sit inside the café. When I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, she moved and started to move to an empty place by the wall.
Pacing around the warehouse, Alexis sounded worried. ‘‘Is Dad okay, Mum?’’
‘‘Theodore, concentrate on your work, we’ll get new stock tomorrow. We need to organize the warehouse.’’
Although I tried to organize the shelf in front of me, paying attention to Zack’s warning, this was not possible. While Alexis was on the phone in the back, I couldn’t concentrate on my work. While I was organizing the products on the shelf, I had half an ear on Alexis.
‘‘Mum, isn’t Dad okay now?’’ There was a small silence at her question. ‘‘Thank God…’’
‘‘Theodore, stop organizing the shelves and go to Simon. He needs help. I’ll do it on my own.’’ I could tell from the intonation in his voice that he didn’t like what I was doing. He took the last products I put on the shelf one by one. ‘‘What are you waiting for, go to Simon.’’
I did as Zack said and left. Who knows what he thinks of me. Incompetent, useless, unmotivated and so on… I was never going to know. As I walked up to the warehouse door, I caught Alexis’s eye. As soon as I left the warehouse, I went to Simon. Simon was alone, attending to a few customers. I glanced around the café before Simon called out to me. The girl sitting by the wall was fiddling with her mobile phone. I looked at the clock. She’d been sitting here alone for two hours.
‘‘Theodore, don’t just stand there, come over here.’’
At Simon’s call, the girl took her head off the phone and looked first at Simon and then at me. I walked up to Simon without breaking eye contact. I had been to the checkout a few times during the time I worked here, and today was one of those days. While Simon was preparing the order, I was looking at the next customer at the checkout. I was going to ask Simon for help where I had difficulties. I was pressing the digital keys according to my customer’s order. Although I was having a little difficulty, I was managing. When the customer paid, I turned to the next customer.
When we’d done with the customers, Simon looked at me. ‘‘I’m going out for a smoke. Can you look after the place?’’
Zack or Alexis weren’t around, but I nodded, thinking I could do it. Simon took a cigarette out of his pocket while I got the cloth from the counter. As we were dealing with the customers, I saw a table empty. Simon went outside and I went to the table. When I got to the table, the bell rang, the fire flashed, the cigarette lit…
That girl was sitting right next to the table I was wiping. I could feel her looking at me. When I finished wiping, I returned to the counter with the plastic cup I took from the table. I accelerated my steps to get rid of the feeling I had. When I threw the cup into the dustbin under the counter, I took a deep look inside.
The glass bottle I threw in made a noise when it hit the others. All I saw were beer bottles. This dustbin was the work of him and his friends he brought home. I was holding a knife. I couldn’t stand him anymore. It was the only way to get rid of him. I gripped the knife tightly with both hands and pressed the pointed end against my chest. I would feel a little pain at the end, but I would get rid of him eventually. I had to do it as soon as possible before he came home.
I began to feel my hand trembling.
I was just going to stab myself hard and fast in the center of the chest. It shouldn’t have been so hard. When I opened my eyes after that little pain, I would see my mum, I would hug her and tell her how much I missed her. It was worth it.
My trembling hands got a little more violent.
I pressed the tip of the knife against my chest. I started to feel a little warmth. I started to tear up. I had to do it as soon as possible or else… Otherwise it was getting harder and harder for me to do it, even impossible. Fear began to overcome me. He won’t be able to… No! I had to do it, I had to do it now. The tip of the blade was hurting me, the heat I felt was creeping through me. My eyes couldn’t take any more tears.
I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking.
“Theodore!”
I dropped the knife in my hand in panic as his voice filled my ears. He was here, it was too late. Not yet, I could still kill myself. He was sitting at the head of the table with his disgusting friends. I bent down for the knife at my feet and reached out my trembling hand for it. When he sat down at the head of the table, he would call out to me a few more times. I would already have stabbed myself with the knife and would be lying on the tiles in the kitchen. When I wouldn’t answer his calls, he’d get angry. That’s when he would find my lifeless body in the kitchen.
My hands kept shaking. ‘‘Theodore, get us some cold beer!’’
I-I couldn’t do it because I was a coward. That little pain was too big for me. I looked in the fridge. I was only going to take a beer. I looked at the knife again. Just a little… It wasn’t a little pain anymore. I wiped away the tears with the back of my sleeve and went to the fridge. I opened the door, there wasn’t much in it. The bottom two shelves were full of beers. I grabbed four of them and walked out of the kitchen, past the stairs and into the living room. Four big men in all their nastiness were sitting at the square table. Cards in front of them, cigarettes in their hands, in the middle of the living room, not realizing anything. I couldn’t kill myself. I was cowardly and incompetent. I felt sorry for myself, but I was the only one responsible for it. Even though I wanted to run away with every step, I was moving towards them. I approached the table while they were turning the cards they held in their hands one after the other. The smell of cigarettes was reaching the deepest part of my nose.
‘‘You finally brought it.’’ I put the beers down where he was pointing. I was uncomfortable with the cigarette smoke and wanted to get away from them as soon as possible. He took a card from his hand and put it in the middle of the table. When he reached for his beer, I could tell he wasn’t happy about the situation. ‘‘Didn’t I tell you to bring cold beer!’’
I was looking at the monster shouting at me. His eyes were red, like he was going to eat me any second. He raised his hand. I was going to pay for what I’d done. I’d managed to piss him off today like I did every day. His friend next to him stopped his hand that came straight to my face.
‘‘William, calm down, he lost his mum a week ago.’’
‘‘Fuck you!’’ he said, pulling his hand away from his friend’s hand. ‘‘I didn’t bring you here to interfere in my life, play the fucking game!’’ He looked at me sternly. This time I didn’t get slapped in the face. ‘‘Get the fuck out of here and get us some cold beer.’’
‘‘Would you check the checkout? Well… Excuse me.’’
‘‘Theodore, you should have kept an eye on this place.’’ I came round as Simon walked past me, heading for the checkout. ‘‘Let me help you.’’
It was four o’clock. I couldn’t wait to get home. I went to the storeroom to take off my apron. As soon as I entered the storeroom, I saw Alexis, washing the dishes that had piled up in the sink. I took off my apron by the coat rack and put on my jacket. I just needed to see Simon before I left work. I left the storage room and went to Simon, who was standing at the counter. When he saw me without my apron, he looked at the wall clock on the checkout counter.
‘‘Off you go, see you tomorrow.’’
I was walking past the tables to the door. The table with the girl sitting alone caught my eye. She had left the café half an hour ago. Now a couple was sitting in her place. When I pulled the door to myself, the bell chimed to accompany me.
I was waiting at the station, far away from the others. I was finally going home. I looked at the sky, it was standing in front of my eyes with all its vibrancy in a deep blue. Except for one or two clouds, the sky was completely clear. I finished another day. Like every day, it was no different from any other day.
The first thing I did was to open my eyes, then coming to work was the most boring part of the cycle and absolute peace came last. I was going home. And then what? Darkness, the vast unknown, till I re-open my eyes.
Inside the subway, I was looking again at the rooftops that I had seen in the morning, and which meant nothing to me. Everything was quite noisy, but I was trying to get used to it. It was the best I could do. People were getting on and off. As soon as I left the station and stepped on the pavement, I started walking towards my house. I had nowhere to go. The only place I could go to was my home.
As I rounded the last corner, I saw my house ahead. I quickened my steps to get there as soon as possible. In front of my house, I turned my head upwards. I was looking at the border where the sky and the apartment block were separated. It was a sufficient border for a human being. Like the beginning and the end of everything. I was standing there, under the beautiful sky, for an ending.