Darkness… It was all I could see. I didn’t know where I was. It made no sense to look around to see where I was. Nothing was visible outside the darkness. Where was I supposed to go? Should I just wait here? The answer to all questions was unclear. While I was confused, I saw a small white dot far away, coming towards me. Someone had finally found me. I started to walk towards the light with my blind steps. The light grew bigger as I got closer to it, illuminating the surroundings a little bit along the way. I was on a path. I could see the trees lined up around. As the light came towards me, I was moving towards it. I called out to the person holding the light to make myself heard. It didn’t hear me, it kept coming towards me. It kept getting closer. I realized that it was a pair of headlights rather than a lantern. It was coming towards me fast. The light was filling my eyes. It had to stop now or…
I opened my eyes in panic and jumped up from where I was sleeping. I was looking around breathing fast. There were no headlights that I saw. I was in my room, on my bed. I took a deep breath and tried to come to my senses. What I saw had only one meaning. Gradually my breathing was normalizing, and I was calming down. It was just a dream. Everything was behind me. It hurt, but I had no power to change it.
I looked at the single seat with the light leaking from the window. It would have been nice to see my mum next to me when I opened my eyes, but… I started rubbing my eyes. I hadn’t recovered yet, I wanted to sleep a little more. I knew it wasn’t possible. I had to go to work… When I saw the clock out of the corner of my eye, a great panic gripped me. It was past eight and almost nine. I didn’t know how I got out of bed. I couldn’t be late. Oh, my God. As soon as I entered the bathroom from the corridor, I washed my hands and face a few times. When I was about to leave without combing my hair, I turned back and started combing my hair. I couldn’t go out without combing my hair. I kept it shorter than other days and ran to the room dissatisfied. I was angry with myself for being late again. I quickly changed my clothes and left the house. I was descending the stairs two by two. When I reached the third floor, I continued to descend without slowing down.
As I passed the third floor, I heard a door open. “Theodore, rent money…’’
I was going down the stairs, ignoring the landlord. When I left the apartment, I ran straight to the subway. I was running through people out of breath. I was running even though my body was tired. Fear and panic make you do everything. I couldn’t stop, it was all my fault for being late.
“Idiot, look where you’re going!’’
I picked myself up and kept running. I was about to enter the street where the station was. As I kept running, I saw people gathering on the pavement. The red light was on. I wasn’t going to wait at the red light this time. I had to go through it. I could do that because I was late.
I was waiting for the green light with other people out of breath. As soon as the green light came on, I started running with all my strength. I wasted a lot of time, and my lungs were burning. I couldn’t stop now. I didn’t want to waste any more time. I had to get on the metro as soon as possible. It hurt. Just a little more. I could see the station ahead. I got to the stairs. I was climbing up with help from the railings. I had to keep going. I couldn’t run anymore; I could barely walk on top of it. My lungs were failing. I saw the metro coming, but I had no strength. After all that, I couldn’t climb the stairs. I was paralyzed. All I could do was watch the subway enter the station.
“You should get some rest, Theodore.”
I saw my mum at the bottom of the stairs. “But… I’ll miss the subway.”
“I know.” She warmed my heart with her beautiful smile. “The subway will come again, you know that.”
She was right, I just… I just needed to rest a bit. I sat down slowly on the step of the stairs, one hand on my chest, trying to control my breathing. My mum was coming up the steps and coming to me. It was good to have her with me. The closer she got to me, the calmer I became. The peace she gave me made my breathing return to its normal routine.
She passed me, she was going up the stairs. “Where are you going mom?”
“I’ll wait for you upstairs.’’
I took my eyes off the track and took two steps back. People were getting up from their seats and approaching the tracks. After the metro stopped, I got on last. I don’t know what time it was; it was approaching nine o’clock. I was looking out of the window. I was seeing the things I saw every day again. I fixed my eyes on the deep blue sky. Thoughts were running through my head about why I couldn’t keep up with life. Why couldn’t I do that? All I had to do was to be like the others. I was angry with myself. I didn’t deserve to live.
I was about to face Simon. Who knows what he’d say to me? He’d been putting me down the whole time. I could see that. Believe me, I wasn’t doing it on purpose, Simon. I’m just getting used to life.
“How many times have you been late, Theodore?” I couldn’t look Simon in the face because of my embarrassment. I had my hands clasped in front of me, my embarrassment on display. “You’ve been too late for a week.’’
“I…’’
“You got something to say, I’m waiting for you.”
I continued to stand in front of him without saying anything. What was I supposed to say? How could I make up for my mistake with a sentence. Everything was in front of the eyes, I was wrong. He was still waiting for me to say something. Finally, tired of the silence, he continued talking from where he left off.
“Theodore, look, what you’re doing…’’ He gulped down what he was going to say as if he’d given up. It should have ended badly for me. Instead, he asked something simpler. ‘‘Are you going to be late again?’’ I was nodding my head quickly from side to side. I wasn’t going to be late again. Simon sounded desperate. “I think so. Get back to work, please.’’
I made eye contact with Zack, who was looking at me near the shelf. I quickly averted my eyes. I didn’t stand in front of Simon any longer and headed for the door of the warehouse. When I got to the front of the warehouse, Alexis was at the cash register taking care of a customer. When she saw me coming, she looked at me with meaningless eyes. She was aware, too, of what was going on between Simon and me. I looked down in embarrassment, not knowing the truth behind that meaningless stare. Was she secretly angry, pitying me for being like this, or did it mean something else? I was afraid to make eye contact again. When I slowly looked at Alexis, she was still taking care of the customer. What did Alexis think of me?
When I saw someone getting up from the table in the middle of the café, I remembered Simon’s last words. I immediately took the cloth from the counter and went to the empty table.
“Theodore!”
I looked up quickly and looked at Simon. He had come to the counter while I was wiping the table. He was calling me. I stopped wiping the table and walked over to him. Simon was preparing the coffees while Alexis was taking orders at the cash register. It was busy at the till. Simon was moving fast to prepare the coffees.
He looked at me. “Can you get three packets of milk from the storeroom?”
As soon as I entered the storeroom, I went to the shelf where the milk is. When I came in front of the milk, I picked it up one by one. As I was passing through the shelves to leave the storeroom, I met Zack. Zack’s gaze locked on me. I knew these looked very well. These were the looks I encountered every day when I came home. I would look for a place to escape, I would quickly make my way to my room. I climbed the stairs two, three at a time to their fear. When I closed the door of the room behind me, I could only hope that they wouldn’t come after me.
“What are you waiting for, take the milk away.”
I rushed to the door of the storage room with milk in my arms. I met Simon at the door. “Where have you been, Theodore?”
He took two packages from my lap and ran to the counter. I followed him with one package in my hand. I helped him by the counter, giving him the materials he asked me for, and handing the coffee we had finished to the waiting customer. When the queue in front of the cash register was over, I looked at the clock. It was past eleven.
“Alexis, I’m going out for a smoke.’’
Simon didn’t wait for an answer and headed to the door. I watched him go. He took out a cigarette and lit it. Then he took a puff. I could see what was about to happen. I wasn’t looking at Simon, I was looking at him. I didn’t want to see him. He’d killed the person who meant the most to me. I hated him.
I heard the bell ring.
I walked out of the kitchen with the knife in my hand. I took small, silent steps towards the room in the darkness. I had made up my mind, I was going to do it. That’s what I believed in. My anger towards him was indescribable. He had taken everything from me, ruined my life. He deserved it. I could hear the TV switched on near the stairs. He had fallen asleep in front of it, sipping a beer, as he often did. It was his most vulnerable time. When I crossed the room I could see him on the single sofa, there he was, standing right in front of me. As the light from the television shone in my face, I crept up behind him. It didn’t matter what the man on the television was saying. All that mattered was that I was about to kill him.
I approached him in the flickering light of the TV. It was as if nothing had happened. How could he sleep so comfortably? I couldn’t sleep at night, but everything was so beautiful for him. I was in agony. My mum was dead, he’d killed my mum! Why, why was he like that? Didn’t he hurt at all? I wiped my tears with the back of my sleeve. I realised how absurd what I was thinking was. Did he have a human heart to be hurt? He was a monster. My tears were flowing one after the other. I was in agony… I was in agony. If I saw him, as long as I was with him, as long as I was alive… I was aching. I gripped the knife tightly in my hand. How wrong everything was. I looked at the knife in my hand. The person who was supposed to die was standing right in front of me.
There was a pair of eyes staring at me. The only thing I felt at that moment was fear. His eyes were piercing me. He saw the knife in my hand. At that moment everything stopped. That look foreshadowed everything.
“You going to kill me, motherfucker!”
I heard the bell once more. When I turned my head and looked at the door, it was the girl who came every day. She must have liked this place, there was no other explanation for her coming every day. She looked around as she walked to the till. She seemed to be looking for something and saw me.
“Theodore, stop what you’re doing and come with me. The new goods have arrived.”
When Zack headed for the exit, I immediately put the cloth in my hand on the counter. I looked at the girl who came to the counter. I quickly followed Zack, hesitant to be next to her. When we went outside, a commercial, white vehicle was standing in front of the cafe. The back doors were open on both sides, and the owner of the vehicle was separating our goods to the side.
“Hi, how have you been, Tony?”
“I’m very busy now. I’ve got so much stuff to deliver.’’ When he reached for the box in front of him, he paused. When he managed to grab the corner of the box, he continued speaking. ‘‘I don’t know which one to catch up with.’’
“Good luck with that. Thanks for bringing our stuff.”
He picked up the box and looked at me. He was waiting for me to pick it up. I reached him in a few steps, and he immediately put the box in my arms. It was a bit heavy. He took another box from the till and placed it on top of the first one.
“Put them in storage and come back.’’
Zack helped me open the door to the café. I was trying to pass carefully between the tables. It wouldn’t be nice to bump into someone. I carefully walked out from between the tables. I walked past the counter to the storage room. I put the boxes next to the first shelf in the storage room. I walked out of the storage room and walked between the tables again. Towards the middle of the café, I saw a blonde girl sitting at one of the tables. She was alone looking at her phone.
As soon as I walked out the door, I looked at Zack. “Take the stuff, and we won’t keep Tony any longer.”
I picked up the last box. There was a box and a few packages at the end of the vehicle’s body. The owner put the box on the parcel. He handed the parcels to Zack with the list paper he took out of his pocket. Zack was looking at the paper in his hand.
“Everything is as listed.” He continued his speech as he closed the rear doors of the vehicle. “I’m going to go now, Zack. Call me if there’s anything else.’’
After Zack and I unpacked all the stuff in the warehouse, I was waiting at the counter. It was almost one o’clock and there was nothing to do. I looked around at the counter and next to me Alexis had made herself a coffee and was drinking it. The café was filled with people talking. As I always saw, there were people hanging out with their friends or alone. Could I be with them? The answer to that question had to be ‘no’. I was different from them, and I didn’t like this difference. It would be nice to be like them, to laugh and have fun.
Alexis’ phone started ringing. “I need to answer this call. Wait here, don’t leave the counter empty.”
I was standing at the counter when Alexis walked into the warehouse. It didn’t feel good to be at the counter by myself. Even if I thought I could take a customer’s order when they came in, I couldn’t make their coffee, so I was hoping Simon or Zack would show up soon. I waited as calmly as I could for someone to show up.
Alexis had been gone for five minutes. I didn’t see Simon and Zack, what were the three of them doing in the warehouse? As I was pondering these things, I heard Alexis’s tearful voice from the storage room. I started to think about going to the storage to check it out. I started to wonder what was going on. I was in the counter and there was no one to take care of a customer when he came in. I was in a dilemma, between leaving and staying. What can you do when a customer comes in?
I arrived at the door of the warehouse and Alexis was on her knees. She was crying in great pain, her tears taking the paint from her eyes with them. I couldn’t understand her. Everything was fine just now. She was sipping her coffee next to me.
Simon was beside her, trying to calm Alexis down. “Alexis, Alexis… Try to calm down, did you get some news about your father?”
As Alexis continued to cry, Zack and I caught a glimpse of each other. “Who looks after the register!” Finally, he lost patience and left the room. ‘‘Fuck this…’ Simon, I’m going to check the register.”
When Zack left the warehouse, Simon was looking at me. He was wondering why I was here. Alexis’ situation was more important, so he turned to her. He was saying words to calm her down. Your father will be okay, your father will be saved, your father won’t leave you… Were all these tears for her father? Alexis had a father to cry for, not a father to make cry.
“My- My dad’s in critical condition, Simon.”
All Simon’s words were in vain. He couldn’t calm Alexis down. On top of that, he was lying. Alexis knew it, too. I couldn’t understand her tears for her father, were they worth it? Each one was a sign of her love for her father, unlike me. Simon wrapped his arms around Alexis. Alexis relaxed a little and rested her head on Simon’s chest.
“You have to be strong, it’s what your father would have wanted.” Compared to the previous words, this one influenced Alexis. She managed to calm down a little and wiped her cheeks and eyes with the back of her hand… “I’ll have Zack take you home. Theodore and I will be fine…”
I felt I was drowning in terrible feelings. I had a father who made me cry every night. I didn’t know where to run in fear. I wondered if I’d end up getting beaten. The horrible look he gave me told me he hated me. He started pulling me hard with the arm. The steps I took to catch up with him were inadequate and I was paying for each inadequacy by struggling on the ground. Once again, I had done something he didn’t like. Now he was taking me to the storage room…
“Theodore, are you all, right?” I suddenly snapped out of it with a hand on my right shoulder. Simon was looking straight at me. “Theodore?”
I could only nod absentmindedly at Simon, who was with Zack, holding Alexis’ arm as he led her out of the warehouse. I was just looking into Alexis’ teary eyes.
“I’ll come back after I drop Alexis off.”
As soon as he opened the warehouse door, he threw me inside. After staggering a few times against my father’s power, I fell face down on the floor. I’m lying in the middle of the storage room with unnecessary and unused items. He closed the door on me while I was trying to stand up with support from the floor.
“William, it’s not his fault!” My mother’s plea was tearing me apart. Like every time, she put herself forward to protect me. “Get him out, please!’’
I heard my father hit my mother. It hurt more now than when my father locked me in the storage room. My tears kept flowing. I could see that my mother had fallen to the floor as the light from under the door faded a little more.
I was wiping the tears. I had to be strong for my mum. “Mum! I-I’m fine…’’
“Shut up!”
After seeing the shadows move a few times, they withdrew from the doorway. The leaking light had gone with them. I was alone in pitch darkness, not crying anymore. I wiped my wet eyes and face with the back of my sleeve. I groped my way to the wall, leaned my back against it and pulled my knees towards me. I wanted to take up as little space as possible and disappear. The more I tried to crumble, the more I failed. I couldn’t even do that. I slowly lay down on the floor. I didn’t know how long I would stay in the darkness. At some point, when he remembered me and wanted me out, that would be the end.
I left the café. I was finally going home. As I waited for the subway, I couldn’t get Alexis out of my mind. Her crying face was in front of my eyes. What kind of father was he to deserve Alexis’ tears? What could he have done, unlike what was done to me? Then I thought of my mother and all the time I cried for her. That’s when I started to understand Alexis, my mom was everything to me. I wanted her to be there for me and more than that, I wanted to be there for her.
I was looking at the subway tracks. If I had a little courage, I could take that step that scared me. I just had to take one step. I saw the subway coming in the distance. My opportunity was coming again. I kept looking at the tracks, just one step. I could hear the subway approaching. Just one step… My opportunity was about to pass me by. I closed my eyes tightly. All I heard was the sound of the subway. I took only one step. The subway hit me and I was hit by it. My shattered limbs were scattered left and right, and everyone was approaching the tracks in panic. I think I would be on the news today and tomorrow.
I imagined myself on the subway looking out of the window. I’d never had the courage. I didn’t even have the courage to protect my mum. A tear rolled down my cheek and onto my chin. I couldn’t accept this bitter truth. It wasn’t only this that I couldn’t accept…
I kept watching outside. I would go home, eat and sleep. Tomorrow I will start the same cycle again.
I was going to be home soon. When the metro stopped, people started to get off one by one. I left the subway behind them. I was on my way home. I was going to the only place I could go. I was passing by people on the street. Did they know I existed and see me? How many times have I passed this street? I didn’t think so, why would they see me? No one saw me. I saw my house ahead. I sped up my steps to get there as soon as possible. I finally reached my house. I turned my head to the sky. I saw what I had seen on the tracks. I was looking there with dream and fear of it. I was eager to go to my mother.