When the subway opened its doors in front of us, Veronica and I got on immediately. We sat down in an empty seat as people continued to board. When we started to move, I took Veronica under my arm, and with this gesture she snuggled closer to me. I turned peacefully to the window. Apart from the heavy rain outside, today was a wonderful day. I could hear raindrops hitting the subway. I wiped the mist off the window with the back of my hand. It looked better outside, but there was nothing to look at but the city lights. The overcast weather added to the darkness of the night and the city was in darkness.
I wouldn’t have gone out in this weather if Veronica hadn’t insisted so much on going out. It was pouring down rain. When there was nothing to look at, I turned to Veronica. She didn’t surprise me; she was swiping her phone in her hand. When I looked around, many people had phones in their hands. Didn’t they ever get bored of swiping upwards?
Veronica’s phone made a small beeping sound. I looked at it curiously. The notification that came down from the top showed it was from her mum. She hung up without bothering to read it. I was surprised and sincerely glad. She didn’t call back. I knew she was doing this to her family and I knew how much she cared for them. Sometimes there is only one way to make you happy.
As Veronica continued scrolling through social media, I turned back to the window. It was no different from what I had just looked at. The foggy glass, the drops falling through the glass, the night and the city lights… I did what anyone would do in that situation. I drew the best round I could with my index finger on the fog. It was obvious that it was crooked, but it was the best I could do. Then I added a pair of eyes and a smiling mouth, the best I could do with four lines.
As we headed for the stairs from the metro station, Veronica opened her umbrella. We were both sheltering under the big umbrella, descending the stairs, the rain beating down on the umbrella and trying to soak us. If it wasn’t for the umbrella, we would have been soaked. As soon as I set foot on the pavement, I took the cigarettes out of my pocket, one for me and one for Veronica. When I handed it to her, she rejected it with her hand. I had forgotten that she didn’t like to smoke in the rain. I placed the cigarette I handed her in the packet and lit my own cigarette.
I took the umbrella from Veronica. “Too quiet today?’’
At first, she fell into my arm without making a sound. I kept looking at her, waiting for her to say something. She looked at me as we walked on the pavement. She had a thoughtful expression on her face. She was between saying what she had to say and not saying it. I wondered what was so hard to say.
“What’s so difficult to say?” I could see she was still in a dilemma. “Veronica, can you just say it already?”
“When I bring up my family, we start arguing.” That’s certainly not what I expected her to say. “Just the mention of my family was enough to make his face fall.”
“I’ve told you about my thoughts on the matter many times. I wish you well…’’
“Yes, you did. About me ignoring my family…” The beginning of an argument was beginning. Veronica realized the situation and got herself under control. “Sorry, I don’t want to argue with you. Let’s drop it and not spoil a good day.’’
She was right, I didn’t want to ruin this day by arguing and we closed the subject there and then…
When we reached the third floor of the building, the glow of the venue dazzled our eyes. The biggest feature that distinguished this place from other venues was the lack of chairs. Veronica and I started to go to the bar in the centre of the place. Although there was low and relaxing music playing, the place was not too noisy. The closer we got to the centre of the place, the better I could see the bar. The bartenders were running around for the crowd surrounding it. In addition to those who wanted the bartender to look after them, there were also people sipping their drinks next to the bar. I guess that was the place for those who couldn’t find an empty table. As in the previous time, our place was next to the bar. We had left the last table behind us. I looked at where Veronica was pointing. She was pointing to a space at the edge of the bar, among the people.
As I looked around the bar, I could see people waiting, waiting for their drinks. There were four bartenders in front of me, but the large, round column that covered the centre of the bar prevented me from seeing behind it. I could only guess that there were six or eight bartenders. Veronica gestured to the bartenders a few times, but to no avail. I continued to look at the bar without making a sound. A small sign hanging from the ceiling of the bar attracted my attention with its small oscillating movements. I looked at the inscription on it. The name of the place was engraved on the sign in fancy letters.
“Dude, serve us out.” The guy to my left was trying to get the bartender’s attention. “We’ve been waiting for you here for a while.”
He was continuing with the cocktail he had prepared. “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve got two other customers to serve before you.”
The man continued to wait for the bartender’s reply. The bartender was delivering the cocktail to the customer. How many people were in front of us? Not caring about that, I reached for the cigarette packet in my jacket pocket, and just put my hand in my pocket. I remembered that there was no smoking here. I exhaled a sigh and digested the situation. I could do without cigarettes for a while. When we got our drinks, Veronica and I were going to go for a cigarette anyway.
Veronica took her eyes off the bartender when she realized I was looking at her. “You were supposed to meet Kevin today, weren’t you?”
“I was going to meet him, but it would have been difficult in this rain.”
“I don’t suppose he’s waiting for you?”
I rolled my eyes at this question. There was a possibility that he was waiting for me, but I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t even want to go out in this rain. Veronica was looking into my eyes. Now I went out with such beauty, and I smiled slightly.
I leaned back against the bar. “I don’t think he’ll wait for me.”
She looked at the bartender again. I looked at her as she looked at me. “What if he’s waiting?”
The bartender was interested in the man to my left and his partner. I didn’t know what to say to Veronica’s question. Even though I thought a little lie wouldn’t cause any trouble, there was no point in hiding the truth from Kevin. I knew he would understand.
“I’ll say I’m with you.” She was looking me in the eye. She seemed to have doubts about my last response.
While I was waiting for the bartender, I was looking around. I couldn’t see a single person at the round tables. Each table consisted of two or four people. I peered at one of the nearest tables. A woman in a beautiful dress and a man in a smart suit were chatting and drinking their drinks.
“Sorry to keep you waiting, what would you like?”
I looked back and saw the bartender looking at us. I stopped leaning and turned to the bartender. I ordered a beer while Veronica ordered her cocktail. It would be good for my dry mouth. When I smoked a cigarette, I was in a good mood.
He put the beer in front of me. “Here you go.”
The bartender was making Veronica’s cocktail right in front of us. I poured three or four sips of beer into the glass the bartender gave me with the beer. I put the glass in front of Veronica to drink until her cocktail was ready. She took a sip without making a sound. I took a sip from the bottle and wet my mouth.
“Your cocktail, madam.” Bartender squeezed a lemon on the rim of the last glass. “Would you like anything else?”
When I said there was nothing else, he handed us the receipt. I took the receipt and put it in my pocket. The bartender left us and started to attend to other customers. Veronica was quietly drinking her cocktail. I had to find a way to lift her spirits. I didn’t want her to stay like this.
I touched her shoulder lightly. “Let’s have a smoke.”
She looked into my eyes for a while. I was looking at her without responding. I was waiting for her to say OK. Soon she sat up. That was the sign that confirmed what I said. I was walking behind Veronica with a beer in one hand and an umbrella in the other. We went to the other side of the bar and walked among the people. We walked past each of them and walked towards the back of the place.
Veronica came out of the crowd, stopping to check on me and looking behind her. When I reached her, she kept walking. In front of us were the stairs leading down and the emergency exit door. We walked from the staircase to the emergency exit door, which had a picture of a man smoking a cigarette pasted on it. Veronica immediately started pulling the door towards her. As I helped her open the door, the sound of heavy rain coming in through the door reached my ears. As I opened the door, I could feel the cold air and wind on my face. Veronica stepped on the fire escape from the front. As the door closed, I was going up the stairs behind Veronica. I didn’t need an umbrella, there was an awning over the fire escape that blocked the rain.
When we were more than halfway up, I could see through the tall windows that were built around the place. The place was two circles high. This was not easy to notice from the inside, unless you looked up and looked at the chandeliers. The black chandeliers hung quite low from the ceiling. There was not much light above the chandeliers. When I looked inside the place, I could see the round bar and the people around it.
When I looked at Veronica, she was just ahead of me. When I reached the roof, I took my first step on the roof with the help of the railing. There were fewer people on the roof than I expected. I guess they didn’t want to go out in this cold. While thinking about this, I took out my cigarette packet from my jacket pocket. As soon as we got to one of the side tables, I stuck a cigarette between my lips. I put the packet on the table. I felt the warmth of the fire in my palm. A deep breath and a great peace inside me.
When Veronica picked up the lighter, the light from the fire illuminated her face. She couldn’t light her cigarette on the first try. She tried again. I was looking at the fire shining in her eyes. When she lit her cigarette, she was smoking it. It was nice just to look at her.
“Don’t worry about it, please.” I felt the need to explain a little bit, considering what I said was fell on deaf ears. “About your family, I mean, I’m just saying, enjoy the moment.’’
She was thinking about my words in her mind. She knew what I said was true. Whatever happened today prevented her from being happy. All I wanted was for her to be happy.
“Whatever happened, I want you to be happy now.”
She looked at me with her beautiful smile, a bit less pessimistic. I’m glad my words got through to Veronica. “Thank you.”
I was looking at myself, holding the edge of the sink, Veronica’s smile was in front of my eyes. A smile formed on my face in response to the revitalized smile. We weren’t ruining this beautiful day together. I turned off the open tap and continued to stare into my eyes. Soon I was going to go out with Veronica and continue having fun. Such times of life were beautiful.
Stupid dark circles, they were always there. I didn’t want to deal with unnecessary things. I ruffled my hair a little with my hands and then styled it with a few movements. I left the bathroom without making Veronica wait any longer. I went out into the long, thin corridor. The tall lamps in the corners, which gave off white light at intervals, came on by themselves. I started walking towards the staircase at the end of the corridor. There were paintings hanging on the walls of the corridor. Passing by them carelessly, one might have thought that they were some of the famous paintings, but a careful look at one of them showed that they were not. These paintings were making fun of famous paintings. One of my favorites was a man wearing a scream mask instead of the man on the Scream painting. Another was The Creation of Adam, in which one of the hands trying to clasp was pulling a middle finger…
As soon as I got to the staircase, I started climbing the steep staircase with the help of the railings. As I went up, the light of the place was hitting my face. I stepped into the place after the last step. There were still people hanging out at the tables. Leaving the staircase and the emergency exit door behind me, I dived into the crowd. I was trying to move among the people without bumping into them. I overheard some of them as I passed by.
“…then let’s go to my place…”
I found Veronica where I’d left her, by the bar. She was drinking her cocktail. I sidled up to her. “You were talking about Fight Club?”
“So, you’re back? I was saying, there’s a logical error near the end. When he points the gun at himself and fires, his alter ego dies, and he survives.”
I gestured to get the bartender’s attention, and I answered Veronica. “Couldn’t they have missed this place??”
“Maybe, but I don’t think so. Some people on the Internet say that the film takes an artistic approach.”
Veronica and I turned to the bartender when he interrupted our conversation. I ordered the same beer I had when he arrived. I didn’t want to try something different right now. He brought my cold beer from just ahead and put it in front of me. I took the receipt out of my pocket and handed it to the bartender. He gave it back with a scratch on the receipt.
“What do you mean by artistic?”
“He didn’t really shoot there and that’s not why he died. The gun means something else. I can’t believe you haven’t seen this film. You’re supposed to watch good films.”
“I am not much of a film addict.” I took a sip of my beer. “We could watch a film with you sometime.”
She turned to me, leaning against the counter with her head resting on her right hand. She was looking straight into my eyes with her head slightly tilted. “Tell me some of the films you’ve seen before.”
“I used to watch the films my father watched behind my father’s back. I don’t know their names; I don’t really remember them. At school…” I was having trouble remembering the name of the film. I took a sip of my beer and tried to dig a little in the past. “I remember watching the film Inception.”
“Christopher Nolan’s films are good…”
When Veronica finished her cocktail, she took me by the hand and led me to the roof. Cigarettes and fresh air were good for me. We were moving through the people to the emergency exit door. We arrived in front of the door not long after passing through the crowd. When we opened the door, I felt the cold wind. It was blowing on my face while I had gotten used to the warmth inside. The rain, on the other hand, had not decreased even a little bit and continued to maintain its intensity. I was going upstairs behind Veronica. I couldn’t help looking in through the tall windows, taking quick glances at the people inside. The moment we reached the roof, there was a clap of thunder. I was startled by the loudness of the sound.
Veronica was laughing next to me. “Were you just scared of thunder?”
“Just startled.”
She kept laughing. “Come on, you can tell me you’re scared.”
I was a little softened by the smile on my face. I was scared of the thunder, as she called it. I threw my arm around Veronica’s neck. We were walking past the tables to the edge of the roof. When we got to the railing, I took out two cigarettes. I handed one to Veronica. When I lit the lighter, the wind blew the fire out. I took the wind as a wedge and tried again.
KI was leaning against the railing, looking at the city while inhaling the cigarette into my lungs. Under the rain, the lights of the city were shining in front of my eyes. In the city, which was even darker today, the lights stood out more than they did. Buildings and lights were intertwined and in harmony. I looked at the skyscrapers that could be seen a little bit in the distance. If it wasn’t for the lights on them, I wouldn’t have noticed them at all. I could hear horns mingling with the sound of the rain. I turned my eyes down and looked at the street we were on. The traffic seemed to be blocked. I ignored the chaos below and continued to look at the city.
“Isn’t the city beautiful?”
Veronica didn’t answer my question. I was sure the city had affected her as much as it had me. When I turned round, she was looking thoughtfully into the distance. I could think of something, but I didn’t think it could be her. I’ve long since put that behind me. We were having fun together, laughing. I thought she had left everything behind, at least for the moment we were together.
“I can’t ignore the fact that my parents don’t even notice me.” It was a mistake to think Veronica was getting over it. She was never over it, she just pretended to be happy. And I’d accepted all this. I wanted to be happy together. “I don’t understand you; how can you tell me to ignore them?’’
She took her eyes off the city and looked at me. I didn’t want to drag this out. “Can we drop it?’’
“Can you answer my question?”
How many times did I have to answer that question? It wasn’t that hard to understand. Half a cigarette in her hand continued to burn little by little. If she was waiting for me to answer the stupid question, it was never going to happen. I wasn’t going to continue the conversation; I was just going to stand there and wait for him to shut up.
‘‘Why are you silent? Answer me.’’ When she didn’t get an answer from me, she took a puff from her cigarette and returned to the city. The moment I thought everything was over… ‘‘I’m tired of pretending every time the subject of my family comes up. Why don’t you stand by me about my family?’’
I took out a new cigarette. I needed it to calm down. She asked me why I couldn’t be there for her. I just had to be calm. I was smoking my cigarette and looking at Veronica in silence. I wanted her to realise that she wouldn’t get any answers from me. This whole thing had taken all my enthusiasm away. We were having a good time, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes, but now…
“Tell me, is that why you never talk about your family, do you ignore them?’’
That was it, she’d got what she wanted.
“You want to know about my family, you’re so curious about them! I had a disgusting father who beat me every day, left me in tears, threw whatever he could get his hands on. I hate him. And my mum… I don’t even remember her.’’
My heart was racing, my brain was fluttering. I could feel my eyebrows tense, I was breathing fast, I was looking at Veronica, who had ruined all my enthusiasm. She must have been happy to find out about this shit. Finally, I couldn’t stand it any longer and spoke up. I saw the regret in Veronica’s eyes, but it didn’t matter. It was over and done with. It was too late to regret it.
“I-I don’t think it will be like that…’’
“It doesn’t matter, not anymore…”
I didn’t want to stay here any longer; I didn’t want to be with her. While she was silently thinking about what had happened, I did what I did best. I turned around and started to leave.
“Where are you going?”
I was sitting on the floor in pitch darkness. I didn’t know how long I’d been here. All I’d been doing all this time was thinking. I was thinking that my father was angry with me for no reason. I hated him. My anger towards him grew stronger inside me. I was never going to forget what he had done to me. I was going to get out of this disgusting life and never look back. I could feel sleeplessness in my eyes. As long as I was there, I was thinking, resisting sleep. I started rubbing my eyes. I was planning to leave where I was leaning and lie down where I was. As I was getting ready to lie down, I heard a sound. Someone was approaching where I was. Seconds later, a light filter came from under the door. Now I was sure that someone was coming here. I was scared that my father would come and hurt me. I could see the shadow of the person approaching the door. With each step the shadow grew a little bigger. When the shadow reached the door, it stopped moving. While I was trying to understand what it was doing, the door was unlocked. Then, as the door opened, I was dazzled by the light pouring in.
“Your dad’s been keeping you here so long, I’ve come to get you out.”
My dazzled eyes could hardly make out the person in front of the opened door. The light from behind left the person’s face in darkness. The more I try to recall, the more I can’t remember who it was.
“Mother…”
I’ve been walking in the rain for a while, without any purpose, just to drown out the voices in my head. I was just walking. It didn’t matter how long or where I was going. I had to silence the voices in my head. I was drenched under the pouring rain. The raindrops were flowing from each strand of my hair in front of my eyes, running down my cheek and flowing down my chin. I wiped my face with my hand every five or six steps. As I continued walking, Kevin came to my mind. So, I decided to go to him. I could guess where he would be.
As soon as I left the subway, I headed towards the isolated streets. When I entered the darkened street, I could see that the streetlamp that was burning alone was flickering from time to time. I started to go in front of the shop we always waited in front of. As I walked on the pavement, I noticed a silhouette standing up. I kept walking towards the silhouette.
Kevin noticed me when I got close to him… “Dude, you come now?”
“I was waiting for the rain to stop, but I realized that it was not going to stop.’’
“Come on, don’t get any wetter under there…” I went under the awning of the shop and Kevin put the bag on his back on the dry floor in front of the shop. “Dude, you didn’t come in the first place, so why are you being stupid? Just don’t come.” He took off his jacket and handed it to me. “Here, put this on.”
I threw my own jacket on the floor and put on the warm jacket he gave me. “I didn’t know it was going to rain so long. And when I thought you were out in this rain, I couldn’t stop. Who are you waiting for?”
He checked to see if anyone was coming. “I’m waiting for one last person. I’m going home after I get this stuff off my hands.”
Without even bothering to look at my own jacket, I started to inspect the jacket I was wearing. “Give me a cigarette.”
“It’s in your inside pocket, the lighter’s in there.”
I felt the cigarette box near the end of Kevin’s sentence. I took out a cigarette from the box. The cigarette I inhaled in that cold had warmed me up. My desire for a cigarette diminished with each puff, and the voices in my mind were replaced by silence.
I had left Veronica behind. I was calmly smoking my cigarette while trying to warm myself with Kevin’s jacket. I was shivering from time to time. It was inevitable in this cold and soaking wet. As I continued to smoke my cigarette, I heard footsteps pounding on the pavement. I looked at Kevin. He was looking in the direction of the streetlamp. I took the last puff of my cigarette as the footsteps came closer. As soon as I separated my cigarette from my lips, I threw it on the edge of the pavement. I was looking at the burning cigarette butt. The rain had quickly extinguished the cigarette butt in front of my eyes. A man in a suit was coming towards us under an umbrella.
“Mr Adrian, I’ve been waiting for you.”
As Adam shook hands with Kevin, I remembered who he was. He was the decent bloke who’d bought from us two days before. When he shook my hand, he looked me up and down. He seemed surprised that I was soaking wet.
“Thank you for waiting for me in the rain. I didn’t think I’d find you when I arrived.”
Kevin laughed as he bent over his bag. ‘‘I can tell you I thought about it for a while, Mr. Adrian. In the end I didn’t want to deprive you of this beauty.’’
When he stood up, he handed the small package he took out of the bag to the man. When the man took the package in his hand, he immediately took it into his pocket. ‘‘This thoughtful behavior of yours must be worth something.’’
He took the banknotes out of his jacket pocket and handed them to Kevin. “It’s a pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Adrian..”
“See you in two days.” With that, he started to walk away from us.
He passed under the streetlamp and disappeared down the dark alley. Kevin looked at me as the man walked away. I could see the joy on his face.
He was waving the banknotes in front of me. ‘‘Man, you see these? Here’s an extra five hundred dollars, all because we waited for this guy.’’ “Let’s pay more attention to this guy.”
Kevin nodded at me and then bent over his bag again. He put the money in the plastic bag he took out of it and tied its mouth. He placed the bag inside the bag and sealed it. He looked at me, his face was smiling. Extra money always makes us happy. He was putting the bag on his back as he stood up.
“Let’s go, mate, there’s no point in staying here.” Kevin took out an umbrella from an unseen side of the bag. “Let’s go to my place and have a drink afterwards.”
That would have been good. We walked out into the rain under the umbrella. My right shoulder was outside the umbrella and getting a little wet. I was soaking wet, and Kevin’s jacket was getting soaked. We hadn’t reached the end of the street when red and blue lights caught our attention. Kevin and I looked back and saw a police car standing at the beginning of the street. As we kept walking, the police car was pulling into our street. It was obvious that Kevin and I had the same idea. We kept calm and kept walking. They must have spotted us already. If we tried to run away now, they would be after us immediately. We were looking out of the corner of our eyes when the police car came near us. When it passed us, it stopped a little ahead. The right window was opened halfway.
“Ready to run.” Kevin’s low voice made me suspicious. We could have done this without running away.
As we passed the car, the policeman was looking at us. We continued calmly on our way. The interior light of the car allowed me to see the policemen.
“Good evening, guys, could you come a little closer?”
At the policeman’s command, we got a little closer to the car. I was standing behind Kevin so that the wetness on me wouldn’t show. Both policemen were staring at us.
“What are you doing in this deserted street at this hour?”
“We were on our way to my place.”
The police were looking at me carefully. “Where’s your house?”
Kevin realized that the police were looking at me. He responded to the police by giving me a small look. “There’s a small grocery store two blocks away, the building next to it.’’
The policeman in the driver’s seat stopped looking at us and picked up the papers next to the gearshift. He quickly put the front one in the back, looking for something. While we kept looking at him, the other policeman kept looking at me.
The question I had anticipated finally came. “Are you soaking wet?’’
“I’ll go home as soon as I can and put on some new cloth-….”
“Did you have something important enough to go out in this rain without an umbrella?’’
“What can I do in this rain, officer?” For a moment I wondered what to say, and when I opened my mouth, more followed. “A careless driver just splashed water on me on the road. We were on our way to my friend’s house because it was closer.’’
The policeman who was looking at the papers stopped looking and nudged the policeman who was talking to us. Turning to him, he pointed to something on the paper. Kevin and I were watching them, and Kevin looked at me without turning his head. It was a look that reminded me of it was time to run.
The police were turning on us. “Kevin London…”
Kevin kicked the rapidly opening door. “Run now!”
Kevin’s shout echoed in my ears. Run now! Panicked, I began to run down the street we had just walked down, hearing every tap of my feet on the wet pavement. The last thing I saw was the serious face of the policeman. I was running for my life, a few steps behind Kevin, and there was a streetlight ahead, which had misfired occasionally. I ran for the light with all my might.
“Don’t run away! Or else…” There was a loud bang.
“Fuck, he’s shooting behind my back!”
I could hardly hear anything but the sound of footsteps, and then I heard Kevin running without looking back. “Keep running.”
I was just running from the darkness into the light, leaving everything behind. I thought that when I reached the light, I would get what I wanted, that this chase would be over, but I was wrong. Nothing was over. The police were still running, and I was still on the run, which was not what I wanted. I couldn’t be at home with Veronica right now… No, no… I couldn’t be with Veronica. She was just like anybody else. All I wanted all this time was to have a life without problems. When we reached the end of the street, Kevin ran to the right and I ran to the left.