It was almost ten o’clock. I had no reason to go to work anymore. I didn’t have to go anywhere. I was free in these four walls. I would be alone for the rest of my life, but my mum was with me. Her presence was enough for me. I took my eyes off the clock and looked at my mother. She was lying on the single armchair with her head resting on her hand. She was waiting for me at my bedside every day, falling asleep from exhaustion. I felt her love in my heart.
I left the bed and went out into the corridor. I was on my way to the bathroom. I was going to wash my face and hands, then I was going to wake my mother up gently. As soon as I entered the bathroom, I stood in front of the sink. My hair was a mess. I looked awful. I was aching, burning and hurting. What could I do? I had no power to change all this. I was powerless. The bruises under my eyes looked even more noticeable. I ran my fingers over them, secretly hoping they would fade away, but nothing happened. I opened the fountain and filled my palm with water.
I heard my mother calling me. I turned off the tap and left the bathroom. I was walking towards the room. I heard my mother calling me once more. It wasn’t a normal call. I didn’t know why she was shouting like that, but I shouted back to calm her down. I’m coming, Mum! In the middle of the corridor, I heard my mother’s voice again. This call was different from the previous ones and the difference was obvious. It was like a plea mixed with pain. My heart dropped. I accelerated my steps. The door of the room was right in front of me. Every step I took made me feel like the road would never end. I finally reached the room. I couldn’t see my mother. I was approaching the single seat. I heard my mother’s anguished plea. It was tearing me apart. I was very afraid of encountering something I didn’t want to see. When I approached the single seat, the scene I didn’t want to see was in front of me. My eyes were wide open, and I stood where I was. My mother was lying in a pool of blood in front of the single seat.
When I recovered a little, I left the bathroom, I had to go to work. I needed money to pay the rent and feed myself. I had to work. I had chosen this life. When I went back to the room, I looked at the single armchair.
After getting ready, I left the house and closed the door behind me. When I came downstairs, I stood in front of the door. I was having trouble blending in with people. The few days I went to work were very difficult for me. Today was one of them. People were walking past me. I couldn’t be like them. I looked at the parkway where I went the other day. I wasn’t going there again. I couldn’t handle all eyes on me. My feet were itching to get home. I had to go to work. I took that first step and mingled with the people. I was following the path I knew, the path I took every day. I took deep breaths every now and then. I just had to be calm around people, they couldn’t hurt me. When I reached the end of the street, I waited for the green light like the others.
Checking the light periodically, I saw the man in the car in front of me looking at me. It was the same as the ones I had seen in the park. Big, scary eyes… I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I opened my eyes when someone hit my shoulder. Everyone was crossing the road except me. I joined them and crossed the street. When I left both streets behind me, I reached the metro.
I was looking out of the window as the subway started to move. I was thinking about what Simon would say to me when I got to the café. I was late for work again and I didn’t know how many times. Simon was nice to me. He understood when I did something wrong. I was grateful to Simon.
I saw the woman behind me in the window, staring at me with wide-open eyes. The blackness surrounding her eyes was enough to scare the hell out of me. I couldn’t see her blinking at all. She was just looking at me. I slowly turned my head back with the great fear I felt. This couldn’t be real. When I looked at the woman behind me, what I saw had not changed. Those horrible eyes were still staring at me. My heart was racing. This can’t be real… As I was looking for a place to escape, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that another person was looking at me on the left. When I looked into the subway, people were turning their heads towards me in turn. Standing, fiddling with their phones, looking outside, children or adults, everyone was looking at me. Darkness was replacing the blue sky. My beating heart was getting squeezed and squeezed. I couldn’t go anywhere. I immediately closed my eyes. I couldn’t do anything else. This wasn’t real, this wasn’t real. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. They were staring at me in the flesh. The subway reminded me of itself with a little jolt. Now I was sure where we were going. The only thing visible at the end of the road was darkness.
I kept looking into those eyes. They were calm and still. They had something to say, but they were silent. I was waiting for Simon to forgive me one more time. After his last look, Simon left without saying anything. I was left alone in front of the warehouse. He was tired of rubbing my wrongdoing in my face. He was so right. I knew I’d done wrong, but… I kept on doing it. I didn’t stay in front of the warehouse any longer and went to Alexis. She was at the checkout dealing with a customer. After a few clicks on the screen, she started to prepare the coffee. I took a step or two to reach her, and she walked past me, reaching for the next item. I didn’t expect Alexis to ignore me, she always made me feel welcome. I wanted to walk away, to go home, but I couldn’t do that. As I opened my mouth to call Alexis, she told me to hand her the material behind me. I immediately closed my mouth back and did as she said.
Alexis handed the coffee to the customer and turned to me. “You must be having a hard time, Theodore.”
Alexis took a cloth and started wiping the counter. She looked at me as she wiped the counter. I could tell she was waiting for an answer to her question.
“Anyway, you don’t have to talk.” Alexis stopped wiping the counter and looked at me. “Your recent absences have been getting on Simon’s nerves. You must realize you need to get your act together.”
I saw Simon smoking a cigarette in front of the door. He’d put everything else aside, just smoking his cigarette. He was looking around and at the people passing by. With the last puff of his cigarette, he threw the butt away. When he opened the door, the bell rang. As the door closed behind him, he was coming towards the counter among the people. I kept looking at him. He’d done me so many favors. And I was still doing the one thing I wasn’t supposed to do, and I was late. I couldn’t see what the big deal was. Was I only going to be late for Simon? I knew Simon was a good guy, so I had to try a little harder. I no longer knew what was important and what wasn’t. I was having trouble thinking. I realized Simon was looking into my eyes. He was walking past the counter and into the warehouse. I turned my eyes to the floor. I didn’t want to look into those eyes because I was embarrassed.
“If you’re struggling on your own, Theodore, you should get help. If you want to tell me, I’ll listen. You need to know you’re not alone.”
Alexis’ last words echoed in the deepest depths of my heart. It was as if time had stopped, no one was moving at that moment. They had never seen me. Simon, who appeared behind Alexis, suddenly disappeared. Soon, the other people in the cafe disappeared in turn, and darkness was surrounding the whole place. I was thinking about Alexis’ last words, and it hurt me to think about her last words. When the last person in the cafe disappeared, only Alexis was left. There was only her and me in the darkness, and then she disappeared. I was left alone in the darkness. I couldn’t hold myself any longer and started shouting.
“I… I’ve been alone all my life! That’s how it was and that’s how it’s going to stay.’’ I got down on my knees. ‘‘Nobody cares about me…”
I closed my eyes. There was only one person who really cared about me, and that person was no longer with me. A gentle breeze caressed my hair. The smell of grass began to fill my nose. I raised my head and looked ahead. I saw a grave in the middle of the darkness. I did not expect to see this grave. I got up from the ground and started moving towards the grave. As I got closer to the grave, I felt its presence. It stood in the middle of the land with green grass. I went to that grave beside the countless graves around it.
When I looked at the headstone, it said ‘Emma Roy’ in big letters.
“I remember the day they buried you like it was yesterday, Mum. It wasn’t very crowded, not even 20 people showed up. It was me, him and some of your mates. Everyone was dressed in black, waiting for you. He was the first to leave. He left without waiting when you had just been buried. People around said things like he couldn’t bear the death of his wife. It was all lies; he left because he didn’t care about you. They thought you died in an accident, but I couldn’t tell them the truth. I couldn’t tell them the truth, Mum.”
I was looking at the dried roses by the grave. They were the roses I brought when I came before. The first time they were as beautiful as my mother, now they were dead like her. I bent over the grave and took the roses in my hand. The petals of the dried roses were falling off as I moved them.
“I was the last one to leave you that day. I was with you till the middle of the night. I never wanted to leave your side. What were you going to do here all alone? I kept talking to you, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stand the cold weather, I was cold. I was so cold, Mum, and I couldn’t get warm again. I’m here with you now. I won’t make that mistake again.”
I walked past the counter to wipe the empty table. After passing by a few tables quickly, I reached the table. There was an empty plate and two plastic cups on it. I put them on top of each other and started wiping the table with the cloth in my hand. I could hear them talking and laughing in the crowd. I tried to ignore them as much as I could and tried to continue my work. I was having a hard time with this. I could hear different voices coming from every direction. I could hear people talking about their favorite things, games, their ex-boyfriends and laughing. I had to keep doing my job. I quickly finished wiping the table and left with what I had. I was a little relieved when I got away from the crowd
As I was walking into the warehouse, Alexis called out to me. “Empty the rubbish under the counter.”
I turned around and looked at Alexis, and when she saw me shake my head, she went back to the counter. I threw the glasses I had in my hand in the bin, put the plate in the sink and went to do what Alexis had said. I grabbed the rubbish bag from under the counter.
When I headed outside with the rubbish in my hand, Simon was looking at me from behind the counter. He hadn’t said a word in two days. Those stagnant eyes stopped looking at me and turned to the customer in front of him. I didn’t stay in my place and went to the door. I heard a bell ringing behind the voices.
I went outside and went to the garbage container ahead. I kept hearing the voices, they kept talking about me. I threw the rubbish out and went back to the café. There was no one around me. There was no escape from the voices. I pushed the door of the café. I heard the bell ringing as I went inside.
I was now walking to class in the school corridor. The eyes of the students in the corridor were on me. I could see that each of them was looking at me with pitiful eyes. Their gaze was bothering me. I turned my eyes to the floor. As I walked among them, I could hear them whispering.
“His mum’s dead?”
“Traffic accident…’’
I didn’t want it to be like this. I wanted my mum with me. I needed her to live.
“He’s alive…”
When I heard what the person on my right said, I involuntarily looked at him. He was pitying me and thinking of my well-being… But he was wrong, I hated living with him.
“…his father.”
“I’m glad he’s not dead…’’
I just stood there. I’m glad he’s not dead… He’s not dead… I was thinking of all the things he’d done. The way he hit my mum, the way he made her cry… How could he say such a thing, not knowing all that? I wanted to run away. I did the only thing I could do, leaving all the noise behind me. I didn’t realize where I was running, I was just running, running away from all this. When I left everyone behind, I ran into a wall in one of the empty corridors. I was gasping for breath. I was taking slow steps, supported by the wall. Finally, I felt the strength in my legs give out. I collapsed against the wall.
“Come back, please, Mummy.”
“Are you all right?” I jumped up and looked around quickly. I was trying to figure out where I was. I wiped my wet eyes. I looked at the person touching my shoulder. I realized it was my father. “You’ve been muttering to yourself.”
I didn’t realize what was going on. I looked where I thought I’d just been running. Everything was meaningless. He had a look of compassion on his face. I didn’t know if there was anything wrong with what I saw.
“Well, I… I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing, son??” He held out his hand to me. “It’s not easy losing your mum, I should apologize.”
When I looked into his eyes, he was telling me to hold his hand, to trust him. I had managed to get rid of my skeptical side a little. Part of me wanted my father’s warmth. I finally reached out my hand.
“Alexis, ho- how’s your dad?”
Alexis turned round and looked at me. I could tell she wasn’t expecting such a question. ‘’He’s much better, God brought him back to me. He’s waiting to be discharged. What made you think of something like this suddenly??”
“I remembered my father.”
I was secretly jealous of Alexis. The moment I saw her worrying about her father, I felt this indescribable emotion. What her father had, my father didn’t. Every time I begged him to hold my hand, he rejected me with the back of his hand. He planted this seed of anger growing inside me. After what he did to my mother, this anger I harbored inside me would never be extinguished.
Alexis and I looked at the customer in front of the checkout counter. It was the girl who came every day. I hadn’t seen her much lately, so Alexis got to the counter before me. The girl was looking at me as she placed her order. Her beautiful blue eyes reminded me of my mother’s eyes. They looked at me as beautiful as her. When she saw that I looked at her for a long time, an involuntary smile formed on her face. I could feel the warmth of the smile.
“The new stuff’s here, Theodore, come with me…”
I looked after Zack as he headed for the exit. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to lose the warmth I felt. I looked at my mum smiling at me in front of the till.
Everything started to lose its importance for me. There was only her and me. I was looking into her beautiful eyes. The anxiety I felt was replaced by peace. She was standing right in front of me. I took a step towards her, then the second step and the third step. I was going to hug her.
I realized that there was someone on the ground just behind my mother. I didn’t know what to do with the strangeness of the situation. My mother was standing right in front of me, but the person on the ground was also my mother. I heard a cry behind me and my eyes opened wide. What I was going to see behind me frightened me. I slowly turned around and saw my mother standing there, crying non-stop. Her hair was covering her face. There was no trace of her smiling face just before.
In another place, I saw my mother laughing. In another place I saw my mother covering her face with her hands. Sad, scared, upset, loving, excited… Every aspect of my mother was coming alive in front of my eyes. They were surrounding me more and more. What was I supposed to do? As I was counting the numbers, my worries were increasing rapidly. I was looking at each of them quickly. Each one was the way I remembered, the way I knew.
Among all of them, their gaze was fixed on the one who smiled sincerely at me. She was no different from the others. Her beautiful smile only warmed my heart. Without thinking, I started running towards her. I opened my arms wide and took my mother in my arms. I closed my eyes tightly and hugged her. I didn’t let go; I didn’t want to let go.
I didn’t realize how much I was hugging. Finally, my mother grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me away from her. Squatting on one knee, she made eye contact with me. There was no one around us. It was just her and I. I was looking into her beautiful eyes. No words were coming out of her mouth, but her eyes were telling me that we had to go home.
I immediately left the cafe and headed home.