I opened my eyes. I started to watch the ceiling. I wanted to close my eyes again and continue my sleep. I could barely keep my eyes open. Combined with the tiredness of my body, it seemed best not to get out of bed. I closed my eyes again. As I was about to give myself up to sleep, I remembered that I had to go to work. Once again, I was having the same discussion I had in my head every morning. Simon’s face appeared in front of my eyes, looking solemn. I sat up in bed, I had to put everything aside and go to work. It was impossible, but I had to try.
Mum was sleeping next to me. I took the blanket off the bed and carefully pulled it over her. I didn’t want to wake her up, she had been waiting for me all night. Now I had to leave her alone with her sleep. I left the room and went to the bathroom. As I stood in front of the sink, I looked into my eyes.
I put my jacket on my back and left the house. I was leaving the steps behind one by one. When I got to the street, I hesitated a little. I blended in with the people as they moved forward. I was heading for the subway. Today, as every day, I felt like a stranger with them. I wasn’t supposed to be here. I was never going to be one of them. My steps were going backwards, eager to go to my safe and secure home where there was no one.
I was on the subway, the whole scene passing before my eyes, and I was thinking, Simon wasn’t going to talk to me today either. He was right. I was always failing him, always showing up late for work, not doing my work properly. It was nothing compared to what he did to me. Looking back, it was hard to make it right.
The subway stopped with a slight tremor. All the doors opened and people poured out. I could feel their shoulders bumping, they were trying to get out of the subway fast. When it was finally my turn, I managed to step out of the subway. I was following the others to the exit of the station. As I descended the stairs, I looked at the cafe. I could see people inside. I stood on the sidewalk and watched the cafe. The cafe was full.
I was approaching the café step by step. In that crowd, I was looking at Simon behind the counter and he was looking at me in the same way. The eyes I saw now were not the same eyes I had seen yesterday. He stopped what he was doing and started to say something to Alexis. I had reached the door and was reaching out to open it when Simon left the counter and walked into the warehouse. The sound of the bell was the beginning of it all.
“Theodore, we need to talk to you.”
I was just looking at Simon’s face. He finally opened his mouth. I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was very determined about what he was going to say. That started to worry me. It wasn’t nice of him to keep quiet, but I would have preferred him to keep quiet in the situation I was in. Simon’s eyes told me everything. At the end of the conversation I realized that what I had pretended was never going to happen was going to happen.
“You stare at me in silence. I’ve given you enough slack, Theodore. I’ve been patient, thinking you’d get better each time. The longer I waited, the more out of control you got. You’ve been coming in late or not at all every day. I know it’s hard for you to move to Queen and make a life on your own. You’re the one who’s turned down so many offers of help. I can’t let you go on like this, Theodore.” He hadn’t made the final point. He was looking into my eyes. He was waiting for me to say something, but I didn’t have a single word to say. I guess there was no way to really undo what I’d been doing all this time. That’s when I realized I’d done Simon a great injustice. “As much as I hate to say it, I simply can’t help it. You’re fired, Theodore.”
I opened my eyes. I rubbed my sleepy eyes as I stared at the ceiling. I thought about the last thing I remembered. Did I think that day would never come, or did I think there would be no reward for my actions? How stupid of me.
I was just looking at the ceiling. I didn’t need to tire myself out thinking about it anymore. I could spend all my time here with my mother. I turned to my right and looked at my mother’s beautiful face. We were sleeping together in the same bed. Maybe I was too old for this, but I wasn’t going to complain now. My mother was next to me. She opened her eyes and looked at me. It was always good for me to look into her beautiful eyes. We were just looking at each other, like young lovers. I was embarrassed by this unpleasant thought. I just couldn’t get enough of looking at my mum.
“Are you okey?”
She started running her hand through my hair. When was the last time he had caressed my hair? It didn’t matter as she ran her soft hand through my hair. She was beside me and caressing my hair.
I was about to tell her I was fine when mum stopped caressing my hair. “You know I’m not real, don’t you?”
My eyes are wide open. “What do you mean, Mum, you’re real.”
I started to hear water running. Mum must have been in the bathroom washing up. I sat up in bed and waited for her to come back. What did she mean when she said it wasn’t real? Mum’s dead… No, she’s… she’s alive- I couldn’t think of anything. It was like a fog in my head. If I tried to think of anything, I got a headache. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me.
My mum was with me, she was with me… Now she was going to come through the door and continue stroking my hair.
I opened my eyes. I was staring at the ceiling, horrified by what I was hearing. My father was beating my mother. I couldn’t move, my eyes were watching the ceiling, my ears were witnessing everything. I was locked in. Every shout of my mother hurt. As if she was hitting me, she was tearing my insides apart one by one.
Could I save my mother, could I really do it? I never remembered saving her until now. I was weak and powerless. My mother had always been my wall. She took all the blows to protect me. I was pathetic. How could a son not protect his mother?
Thunder rumbled loud enough to shatter my ears. Everything calmed down for a few seconds. I turned my head and looked outside. The sun was slowly setting, and the blue sky was giving itself up to the red.
My father continued to beat my mother. I didn’t want to do anything anymore, I could hardly move, I was glued to the bed, my mother’s screams were pulling me to my feet. This time I was going to save her from that monster. I was going to do it at any cost. I managed to stand up without caring about my aching places. I quickly moved towards the door. When I grabbed the handle of the door, I stood there. The door was locked.
“Open the door!” I was knocking on the door with my shoulder. “Leave my mum alone.,!”
I know you’re there, you’re right behind the door, Mum. I was knocking on the door with tears, throwing my shoulder one after the other. It was no use. The only obstacle in front of me was that I couldn’t even open the door, how could I stop him?
“I beg you to stop hitting her!” I was doing everything I could to make my cries reach him. My hands were red and burning from banging on the door, but I wasn’t going to stop. I could only do so much. “Please, Dad….”
“The-o-dore, wa-wait silently”
My mother’s voice, which was intermittent and barely audible, had shattered my heart. There was no trace of her sweet, soothing voice. Although she was in this state, she was trying to protect me once again.
I knocked hard on the door. I knocked again. Harder… Harder and harder… I clenched my hand tight. She was shaking in pain. I knocked again.
“Mum!”
My father knocked on the door from the other side. “Shut the fuck up, you son of a bitch!”
“Mum-”
At that moment I heard a sound that I couldn’t believe the reality. The door was unlocked. With a quick movement, I lowered the door handle and threw myself into the darkness.
I opened my eyes. I was alone watching the ceiling. I couldn’t hear my mother’s voice. My father had stopped beating my mother. I had nothing to do, nowhere to go. I was trapped between four walls. As I continued to watch the ceiling, I was sinking deeper and deeper into the bed. The ceiling was moving away from me little by little every time I blinked.
My heart couldn’t take it all. I was hurting, aching, shattering. How long did I have to endure this pain? I had a single wish, but I couldn’t manage it either, no matter how many times I tried to go to my mother, I couldn’t do it every time.
I started to have difficulty breathing. As I continued to sink into the bed, I was gasping for breath. I was struggling on the bed for my life, forcing myself to breathe. Each breath I inhaled was more difficult than the previous one. I was finally choking. I was stuttering and I couldn’t breathe. My lungs were fluttering like crazy. I was running to my death; I was finally going to be with my mum.
Suddenly I jumped out of my seat. I was loudly filling my lungs with air outside. I was breathing in and out rapidly while my heart was beating hard in my chest. When I came to my senses a little, I looked at the door of the room. I got out of bed and walked from the single armchair to the window. I couldn’t see the buildings blocking the window. There was only a big red sky. Black clouds were gathering. I stretched my hand out of the window. The clouds were about to cry for me. I could feel the tears falling from the sky on my palm.
I opened my eyes. The ceiling slipped away from my eyes as my father grabbed his shoulder. I fell hard from the bed to the floor. I didn’t immediately realize what had happened. My mother was there somewhere. Apparently, it was my turn. What small reason had she raised this time?
The soothing sound of the rain filled my ears. Behind my father I saw the sunset in all its glory. It turned the whole sky red. He started to come to me. Soon the inevitable would happen. As the sun was hitting behind my father, his shadow was falling in front of me. The closer he got, the more terrifying he became. His monstrous face was revealed. I trembled under his gaze.
I looked at the open door, it was pitch black. I thought my mum would come out of the darkness.
I opened my eyes. As I looked up at the ceiling, I heard a small moan. It was one I heard almost every day. I continued to look at the ceiling, another moan. I could hardly see the red reflection on the ceiling and my eyes were blurred. The rain was picking up speed.
“Theo-dore…”
My tears started to flow at the sound I heard. My mum’s pathetic voice was coming from a little further away. How many times have I heard it? I kept hearing it, I couldn’t get it out of my mind.
I slowly sat up in bed, looking around, everything looked normal. I was going to go to the bathroom to wash my hands and face and come to myself. I was going to wake up from this disgusting nightmare. I stood up with the sound of rain. When I walked towards the door, I was frozen by what I saw. My eyes were wide, I was having a hard time digesting what I saw. My mother was lying in front of the door. She was covered in bruises. My ears started ringing. My heart was racing, struggling to break through my rib cage and get out.
I could barely get a word out. “Mot-mother…’’
My feet were shaking with each step I took towards them. After taking a step or two, I hit the sofa and collapsed. I had to force myself; I had to go to my mother.
I opened my eyes. As I watched the ceiling, something in the room caught my attention. I wasn’t alone in the room. There was someone standing across the room. I sat up to get a better look at it, the shadows falling on its face made it difficult for me to see it. I got up from the bed with my feet dangling off the bed.
“It’s all your fault, I hate you.”
Suddenly the room was flooded with light. After a second or two, thunder rumbled. In this short time, I was able to see the face of the person in front of me, but what I saw did not feel right. I was looking at myself.
“You killed my mum.”
I was shocked at what I heard. He had no idea what he was saying. “No, I-I didn’t kill him!”
I didn’t kill my mum. I always tried to protect her. It was all I could do. Suddenly he ran to the door and disappeared inside. I went after him. I knew it was the wrong choice, but I had to go. I had to tell him the truth. My mum had been killed by the person I would never forgive. I walked round the desk and got to the door. It looked dark inside. I took the first step into the corridor. When I left the room behind me, I didn’t realize where I was. I was looking ahead at myself on my knees with my back to me. In front of him was a black pile that I couldn’t understand what it was.
“You see, this is your doing.”
I was slowly approaching myself without taking my eyes off him. “You know who’s really to blame for this.”
“You think so?”
“Yeah, he’s the one responsible. He killed our mum.”
When I got close enough I realized that the black pile in front of him was a body bag. “You’re wrong, if you’d been a little stronger, you could have saved Mum.”
I was stunned by his last words. That’s what was eating me up inside. Could I save my mum? I couldn’t stop asking these questions. I was looking at the body bag. It was all I could see. Could I really save her? After taking a few steps towards the body, I fell to my knees. It scared me that the person inside this body bag was my mum. I reached my trembling hand to the zip.
I opened my eyes. I watched shadows colliding with each other on the ceiling. My eyes were fixed on the shadows, I was watching them. All I heard was the sound of heavy rain. It was like a reflection of the storm raging inside me, which was in front of my eyes. I was looking and looking, I couldn’t take my eyes off.
One of the shadows was very large. Small and big branches were extending from every part of it, and it had a bad appearance with indentations and protrusions. Another was milder. It flickered and flickered like a shadow flickering in the flame of a candle. This mild shadow was very different from the first one. There was another shadow that I could hardly see, small but there. It was the smallest of the shadows. Their fused limbs were visible to both. These three shadows were colliding with each other on the ceiling, fluctuating from side to side.
When the thunder rumbled, I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of rain, hoping to leave everything behind. I could hear the raindrops beating on the marble, the glass and everything else. When I opened my eyes, the chaos of the shadows from earlier was still going on. I dangled my feet off the bed. Shadows covered the walls of the room. They were fluttering, rippling, trembling. They were where I always looked. I took my head in my hands and looked at the tips of my feet.
What was this all about?
I stood up. As the shadows continued to flutter on the walls, I moved towards the door. I was going to wash my hands and face. When I stepped into the corridor, I realized that the shadows were following me one after the other. They were following me softly, without me noticing. There was no way to get rid of them. They were right behind me; I could feel it.
When I left the other half of the corridor behind me, I entered the bathroom. When I stood in front of the sink, the me in the mirror was looking at me.
I opened my eyes, I wasn’t looking at the ceiling of my room, there was a long fluorescent lamp burning in front of me. I could understand that I was in a very small place from the fact that the roof was just beyond me. I came to my senses a little more and started to look around. I saw that there were various kinds of materials and some electronic devices around me. I was slowly realizing where I was. I was lying half unconscious in the ambulance. The woman next to me was dealing with something.
The heavy rain was beating the roof of the vehicle. “What happened?”
When the woman heard me calling her, she stopped what she was doing and turned to me. “Now you should get some rest.”
“Where’s my mum?” I was trying to sit up and the woman was trying to stop me. “I want to see her.”
“You need to rest.”
I was trying to stand up as the woman tried to stop me. I wanted to see with my eyes if my mother was okay. Although I knew what the outcome was… I was pushing my body as hard as I could against the woman. It hurt, but that was the last thing I cared about. After a little more effort, I found a small gap between the woman’s hands. When I managed to sit up, I saw the body bag illuminated by the lights of a vehicle under the rain.
At that moment… Everything stopped for me. Where I was, the woman next to me, my pain and everything else lost their importance. I got off the stretcher without the woman giving me any trouble. I was moving towards the end of the ambulance. All I saw was the body bag. They never let me open that body bag. There was only one thing in it that they hid from me.
There were a few more vehicles around. I got out of the ambulance as the red and blue lights caught my eye. I started walking in the rain, my shoes sinking into the mud with every step I took. By the time I reached the body bag, I was soaking wet. I was standing next to it, looking down at it, wondering if I was ready to see the only thing I knew was inside. I crouched down on both knees, reached for the zip fastener, opened it halfway and there was my mother’s face with her eyes closed.
I opened my eyes and looked up at the dark sky, the smell of earth filling my nose in the pouring rain.