I was lying face down unconscious; I didn’t know where I was or how I got here. I was exhausted to lift my head off the ground. Although it was difficult, I somehow managed to do it. I shook myself off and looked around. This place was not like anywhere I had been before. I saw something like this for the first time. Everything was white. This whiteness stretched as far as it could, I could not see beyond it. On top of that, there was nothing around me. I was alone with many questions in my mind, but asking my questions would not make any sense.
When I stood up, I found myself in a familiar sensation. I don’t remember feeling this sensation before, but it was very familiar. A part of me, as if it had been ripped out of me in time. Then I took the first step. I didn’t intend to stand there forever. I was taking more steps, but new questions were arising. Where was I going, was there an end to this? I could not comprehend how long I was walking in this empty place. I was walking and walking, looking around in the hope of seeing something. Like everything else, it was meaningless. I was trapped here, I did not even know where I was, I was losing hope with each passing moment. I stopped, thinking it was pointless to take another step. Where I was now was no different from where I opened my eyes. Everything I could still see was white. I had taken dozens of steps, but I could not go a step further. I sat on my knees. I gave up.
When I lowered my head to the ground, I heard a sound. It was a sign that I was not the only one in this void. I immediately raised my head and looked at where the sound was coming from. Far ahead, someone was coming towards me with calm steps. I could not see his face here, but he was bringing hope with him. I stood up and started walking towards him.
As I got closer, I began to recognize her face, it was a woman. I could not walk any further in the face of those beautiful eyes and elegant looks. The beautiful face standing in front of me was remarkably familiar to me. I had seen her before, but I didn’t remember. When she saw me, her eyes lit up, she had an indescribable smile on her face.
She was like a part of me.
As she continued to approach me, I began to hear other voices, someone screaming in pain. The voices were getting louder and louder. I saw that the woman standing in front of me had a bruise on her right arm. Her body was deteriorating with the sounds. Another bruise, another one, on her other arm… As the number of bruises increased, they also appeared on her face. The sounds became unbearable with what I saw. I closed my eyes tightly and covered my ears with my hands. I didn’t want to see or hear what was happening. It was too much for me. I pressed my hands even more to my ears.
“I can save you from all this.” This voice belonged to a small child. Covering my ears did not prevent me from hearing the child. I could hear the child’s voice in my head. “Follow me.”
When I opened my eyes, I saw the little boy moving forward with his back to me. We were no longer in that white place. I took my hands away from my ears and followed the boy. The shouting continued, but this time it was coming from one point instead of coming from everywhere. The boy was taking me to where the shouting was coming from. I was descending the stairs one by one. We were quite close to the shouting. It was coming from the room right in front of the staircase. I knew this place. It was where I spent my childhood and where I would never return. Where my father used to beat me all the time. The little boy left the staircase and went towards the bedroom. In front of the bedroom, he opened the door and waited for me to come in.
When I looked in through the ajar door, the source of the shouting was right in front of my eyes. That bastard was beating my mother. The anger I had accumulated inside me was attacking my body. I was no longer the defenseless child I was years ago. I could not leave my mother in his hands. I started moving towards them with determined steps. My mother was stuck on the side of the bed, trying to defend herself. We were never strong enough against him. As he was about to get between my mother with the last blow, I felt myself being pulled out of the place.
I found myself standing on the white floor again. There was this beautiful woman standing in front of me. Now I knew who she was. “Mother, I missed you so much-”
I reached out my hand towards her. I wanted to hold her soft hand. “She is gone.’’
It was the little boy’s voice. I could not understand where it came from. I looked around to see him. When I looked left and right, I saw only gravestones around. I was among the gravestones erected on a large field. The inscriptions on the gravestone right in front of me caught my attention. My mum was lying under the ground.
That bastard had taken everything from me. How could I forget all these things, how could I forget you mum? The old me is no longer here. You may not be here, but I can clean the old life of its flaws. I know what I must do first.
“I’ll send you to your mum.”
I kept looking at the gravestone, his frequent words swirling in my head. In a deep voice I repeated his last words.
When I looked up from the headstone, I saw the little boy standing five or six graves away. He was looking at me. I could not make out his face. He said he would help me, but he was not helping me. Instead of saving me, he was dragging me further down. He stopped looking at me and started walking away. With a last glance at my mother’s grave, I started running after the little boy. He was walking towards the tree ahead. He seemed in no hurry to run away. When he reached the tree, he got behind it and disappeared.
When I stepped behind the tree, I found myself in a dark corridor. I was walking cautiously, feeling the wall with my left hand. There was a flickering light at the end of the corridor. It was not strong. As I got closer to the light, I could hear a buzzing sound. What I saw was starting to come together in my head. That bastard was asleep in front of the TV. When I reached the end of the corridor, I saw him. He was sleeping on the single sofa as I remembered. I stepped into the room. The TV was the only source of light in the room. I got between him and the TV. My shadow was falling on him.
My anger at him burned inside me. I should have killed him years ago, but back then I was weak, weak, and afraid. I wanted to kill him more than anything. A small hesitation gripped me. It was a path of no return. To do this… I did not think any more, if I thought any more, I would have aggravated the hesitation inside me.
I stabbed him in the center of his chest.
He woke up violently from his sleep with great pain in the center of his chest and his eyes opened wide. He was looking into my eyes. He was trying to say the last words that would come out of his mouth. He was immobilized before he could complete the last breath he took. He grabbed my arm before his eyes grew heavy and his head tilted to the side. His fingers were trembling, unable to grasp my arm. His eyes were closed, never to be opened again.
His clothes continued to soak in blood. I took my hands off the knife. I had killed him. He would never hurt me again. He would never hurt us again. I was looking at the dead body in front of me. This-this was not right. I took a few steps back. It did not feel right. I killed him. Everything had happened the way it was supposed to. I got rid of him. When I looked at the bloody body, I saw someone else. The person I saw… My mind was playing tricks on me. I had to get out of here.
I noticed the little boy who had been watching me all this time. He was watching me through the railing of the staircase. He was the one who had brought all this to me. He was the one responsible for all this. He was aware that I was looking at him and instead of running away, he kept looking. As long as I did not move, he kept looking at me from there.
‘Killing the monster won’t bring him back.’
I looked at the one lying dead in the single seat. The little boy had called him a monster. When I thought about it, he was no different from the monster. I walked past him towards the staircase. The little boy, who did not run away from me but watched me, started to go up the staircase when he saw me approaching him. When I reached the top of the staircase, I saw the little boy leaving the staircase. He had no place in this house where he could escape from me.
I went upstairs and tried to find out which room he had entered. Only the door to my room was closed. This gave a different impression from the others. As I was going to my room, I was throwing little glances through the open doors. When I finally opened the door of my room, I did not expect to find the little boy standing in front of me. I stood in front of the door. The person standing in front of me was my little self. All that had happened was passing before my eyes. The person I had blamed all this time, I was responsible for all this.