I was lying in my warm bed when a familiar voice called out to me. I didn’t want to interrupt my sleep and get up. As I woke up a little, I was disturbed by the sun shining in my eyes. I tried to get away from the sun by moving my head slightly to the side, but it didn’t work. The sun was doing its best to lift me up. I didn’t want to get up at all. I buried my face in the pillow and smiled slightly. I had to get up, there was no way around it. I looked out the window at the deep blue sky, not a cloud in sight. The endless blue sky gave me peace. I threw off the blanket and sat up, my feet dangling off the bed, not touching the floor. I saw my favorite book on the nightstand.
“You’re going to be late for school, get dressed and go downstairs.”
I got out of bed and went to the door. She said I should get dressed, but all I needed was to see her. As soon as I stepped out of the ajar door, I started down the stairs a little further away. One by one I was getting closer to her. Right now she was preparing something for me to.
“Are you still in bed?”
I wasn’t in bed, I didn’t want to spend any more time in bed, I wanted to get up and walk on my own two feet. When I got down on the last step of the stairs, I headed for the kitchen. I was walking past the living room to the back of the stairs. When I got to the kitchen door, I saw her. My mother was right in front of me. She was preparing something with her back to me. As I stepped into the kitchen, she noticed me and turned around.
“Didn’t I tell you to get dressed? Don’t go downstairs with your…” I stood next to my mom and hugged her tightly. “What’s this for?”
“I missed you so much, mom.”
“I am …”
“You’re not, mom, you’re not real.”
She began to caress my head, which I rested on her stomach. Her soothing hands were running through my hair. “Don’t you see me as real?”
“Sorry, it’s time for me to go my own way.”
Grabbing me by both shoulders, she pushed me away from her. I was eye level with him, I wasn’t that little boy anymore. She was looking at my face. We were both standing there in silence. After she finished looking at my face, she started to look at my body from head to toe.
Finally, she looked into my eyes. “You’ve grown a lot, Theodore…”
My mother would continue to live in my heart. Her throne could never fall, but I had to start walking. I wanted to look ahead, to embrace the sky.
I opened my eyes. I was lying half unconscious in front of the door, aching all over. What had happened to me? I was unconscious. I didn’t remember anything about my pain. I tried to get up, thinking that my pain wouldn’t be too much of a problem. I realized at the first try that it was a wrong thought. I rolled over on my back, even though it hurt. I could see the ceiling, the sunlight filling the room, falling on the furniture. After all, what had I done to make my body ache so much? I couldn’t remember what had caused it, so I didn’t force myself and continued to stare at the ceiling.
I didn’t think about what had happened to my body anymore, I wasn’t going to wear myself out with this. What had already happened, and my body ached. I was going to wash my face and recover. When I felt a little better, I slowly tried to sit up. My body hurt, but I could deal with it. I couldn’t help gritting my teeth when my right shoulder hurt. My right shoulder hurt a lot. With the help of the things around me, I managed to stand up, albeit with difficulty.
I looked in the single armchair next to my bed. I was going to leave those days behind. My heart would take me everywhere with it, but I would not be carried away by them.
I left the room and started walking towards the bathroom. I could bear the pain for a while, but my right shoulder was giving me a hard time. I looked into my eyes in the mirror. I couldn’t see the old Theodore anymore. I was still scared and weak. I was determined to walk on. The bruises under my eyes were still noticeable. I looked exhausted and tired, which was the most typical of them all. Whatever I had done to my body, apart from that my hair was a mess. I combed it as best I could with my left arm.
I turned on the fountain and washed my face. The freshness of the water washed over my face, and I felt refreshed. After taking one more look at myself, I left the bathroom. I didn’t want to stay at home, I didn’t want to spend my time within four walls. I wanted to go outside and enjoy this beautiful weather. I thought of sitting in the park I had visited the other day and breathing in the fresh air.
When I reached the middle of the corridor, I threw myself into the apartment building with excitement. I pulled the door behind me and headed for the stairs. As I descended the stairs, my right shoulder hurt as it shook. Leaving the floors behind me, I arrived at the landlord’s floor. I was afraid to meet him. Quietly and carefully, I passed the door and continued down the stairs. I had been late with the rent for a very long time. I couldn’t even imagine what he would say when he saw me. It would probably be better to stay out of sight for a while longer.
I was coming to the end of the stairs, and with every step I felt sick inside. Someone inside me wants to get out. It was warning me to go back to the safe four walls, away from people. Each step I took was harder than the last. I was just going to go outside and join the people. My chest started to tighten. What was so hard? One more step… The breath I was taking was not enough. One more breath… My eyes were blurring. One more step…
I couldn’t take another step. I collapsed where I was and started to rest. I could see my surroundings blurry. With blurry eyes I could barely make out the apartment door. After three or five steps I was outside, but I couldn’t. The me that was running away wouldn’t let that happen.
When my lungs and eyes recovered, I stood up. I was looking at the door, but I didn’t want to go any further. That was enough for today. This was nothing more than fooling myself. I was going to try again after I got home and rested. I started climbing back up the stairs I had descended. My inner self took a deep breath, feeling relieved. This wasn’t going to be like this next time. I had not gone through all this for nothing. When I had fallen, I had managed to get up, and that’s how it was going to be next time. I needed to take it slow and take my time.
I passed the landlord in silence. I stopped before I continued up the stairs. Maybe I hadn’t made it outside, but I could talk to the landlord. I was running and running from the landlord. If I was going to be scolded or kicked out of the house… I pushed my thoughts aside and knocked on the door. My inner me was raging again. It was angry with me. A thousand bad scenarios were running through my mind. I was trying to be as positive as I could. Think good, see good. Wasn’t that everything? Of course it wasn’t enough on its own, but we had to start somewhere. When the door opened, my heart accelerated. All the thoughts that had just crossed my mind were left to the only reality. As the door opened wide, I stared at the floor and started to speak.
“S-sir, I’ve been skipping rent for a while. I realize that. I’m-I’m really sorry.” I couldn’t turn my head and look at the landlord’s face for even a moment. My heart was pounding, I was having a hard time stringing my sentences together as my insides were telling me. “I didn’t want to run away from you anymore. I got fired and now I have no money to pay you…”
I was preparing myself for him to yell and rumble. “Look, kid, I’m very angry with you. You’ve been late with my rent for a long time. I’m…”
“Please don’t evict me. I won’t run away from you again. I’ll pay as soon as I get a job.”
“How am I supposed to trust you?”
After all the days of running away, I was standing in front of him, telling him to trust me, which sounded so unrealistic. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do anything else. I didn’t have the slightest answer to his question. I was waiting in silence with my head down. I remembered that I was in front of Simon. I was always like this with him, waiting for him to say something in silence.
“Kid, I’m talking to you.”
I would have continued to wait in silence, but staying silent all this time had gotten me nowhere. I had to take full responsibility. “I’m sorry, sir, that’s all I can do.”
He didn’t say anything over what I said. It should have been the last silence between us. The thought that I was going to pack my things, and leave was becoming more and more ingrained in my mind. It was obvious where the rest of the conversation was going. I guess there was no hope left in me. Everything was certain, but I couldn’t see one more thing inside me, there was no me inside me. The one who had been shouting at me, the one who had been bugging me not to knock on the door, now I couldn’t see him. I had knocked on that door after all. The ending was… not what I expected. All I can say now is that I’m glad I knocked.
“Your name’s Theodore, right?” I answered his question with a nod. “I’m giving you a little more time. I’ll still charge you for last month’s rent. You’d better find a job soon; you should start paying slowly now.”
I wasn’t kicked out of the house. What I heard was real, wasn’t it? I raised my head in excitement and looked at the landlord’s face. “Thank you, thank you very, very much. I’ll find a job as soon as I can.”
The landlord was looking at me through the crack as he closed the door in my face. “You better be.”
I was alone in the apartment building looking at the landlord’s door. I managed to get a little more time. I still couldn’t believe it. It had all started with me just reaching out my hand and knocking once or twice. I was feeling much better.
When I got to the floor where my house was, I took the house key out of my pocket. As I was about to open the door and go inside, the staircase leading to the roof caught my eye. It seemed to be calling me. Step one, step two… I was leaving the steps behind me and heading upwards.
When I reached the rooftop, there was me, looking up at the blue sky. I could never change the fact that I was here days ago. If I had taken that step, I wouldn’t be here. I was moving towards him, getting closer to myself with every step.