After a few days, I could see the peace rising in me. Day by day I felt better and better. It was not just to work and earn money that I got out of bed. I had a lot to see and, more importantly, a life to live. It wasn’t going to be easy for someone like me, but I couldn’t help but try. I would take the first step and then the next.
Before I left the house, I thought about my mother. I was still thinking about her. When I woke up in the morning, I kept looking at the single armchair next to the bed. She would always be there for me. She had a big place in the deepest part of my heart. I kept her alive, living with her.
I could no longer stand alone in this big house, no matter how big it was for me, it was too big for me. I opened the outer door and stepped out into the apartment space, leaving the floors behind me and passing by the landlord’s door. I no longer felt any uneasiness, I didn’t care if he could hear me or not. I felt relieved, it was a wonderful feeling. There was nothing to laugh about at the moment, but a smile was taking its place on my face that I couldn’t help but smile. I still had things to overcome, I still had to find a job and pay the landlord, but I was happy, happy and able to laugh. I paused involuntarily in the middle of the stairs. I wanted my mother to see me now, she must have been seeing me from somewhere out there. I was never going to know that. She had to be, and that’s what I believed.
As I neared the end of the stairs, unease surrounded me. This time I wasn’t going to let it affect me. I was taking my steps slowly and efficiently, leaving the steps behind me and continuing to walk. When I arrived in front of the apartment door, I took a deep breath and opened the door. The sunlight was glowing through the gap. When I opened the door as far as I could go, I threw myself out without giving myself a chance to think. My emotions were tangled, and chaos reigned inside me. Part of me was fighting to go back inside and take refuge between the four walls, while the other part of me was fighting to keep going. It would have been good to take a breath in front of the door. Once I cleared my head and felt better, I could continue my way.
I watched people pass me by, one going, another coming. There was never a moment when the sidewalk was empty. Maybe I had seen some of them before, but I didn’t even realize it. Even though they were the same as they always were, I couldn’t look at them the same way. They were hurrying from one place to another, never looking around.
“Out of my way, please make way!” When I looked to the left of the sidewalk, I saw a boy on a bicycle trying to dodge people. “Ah, sorry…”
He continued his way, disturbing some people. When he passed in front of me, I realized that the war that was going on inside me was coming to an end. Although I thought I would take time for myself and get rid of the bad side inside me, it was not what I expected. Stepping outside was dragging me into pessimism. I chose to think when I should have acted without thinking, and that was the worst thing I was doing to myself right now. I just had to move forward. And then… I didn’t know what happened next.
The door was right behind me, the best chance to escape.
I took a step forward as the voice inside me screamed at me, hoping that my steps would suppress it. I wanted to go to the park up ahead before finding a job. It would be good for me to start with small steps. The enemy inside me kept struggling. It was saying everything it could think of to take me back. That it wasn’t safe outside, that people would hurt me, that my mom was waiting for me at home… I wasn’t going to be fooled by these lies. Determined, I kept walking, passing people, leaving the streets behind. With each step, his voice grew a little quieter. Finally, it gave up and chose to remain silent.
I was halfway there. As I continued walking on the sidewalk, I looked up at the sky. It was blue except for a few clouds. If I had turned back, I would have missed this beautiful weather. How many people around me were looking up at the sky? Were they seeing this beautiful weather? When I saw the roofs of the buildings, another thought settled in my mind. Did anyone notice me when I was on the roof? As I kept walking, I kept looking at the roofs of the buildings. If someone was there, I should be able to see them.
All this time I wanted to be one of them. I realize it too late, like everything else. I didn’t always see that I was one of them. How sad it is. It turns out I was never supposed to be like them. I was missing out on life by commuting to and from work, never once lifting my head up to look at the beauty of the weather.
When I arrived in front of the park, I was free of these thoughts. I was going to live my life as best I could. I left the park gate behind me and walked forward. At noon, the park was quite full. I felt like everyone was watching me, I knew it was an illusion, everyone was just hanging out. I was giving myself a little, little suggestions, that it was okay. It helped me to keep going. I had come this far, I could go on, I just had to keep taking steps.
As I passed by the playground, the children caught my attention. The last time I was there, I was very upset. I was looking at the children swinging on the swings, one of them had his mother standing next to him. Everything must have been so beautiful for them. Another child was getting ready to go down the slide. And somewhere else a father was holding his child on his shoulder. Seeing these things affected me a little. Now I was jealous of these children, but I didn’t want them to go through what I went through. I hoped they would live a good and happy life.
I watched the children for a while, some of them were too active, where did they get so much energy? I saw one boy climb to the top of the playground, sitting on the top of the plastic roof, calling out to his friend. I left the playground while they looked at each other and laughed. I was going to find a bench and sit down. My feet were starting to hurt, and I had to think about where to start looking for work.
I approached the first empty bench I saw, there was a large lake up ahead. I sat down on the bench and started to look around, trying to enjoy the pleasant scenery. The lake and the trees surrounding it were peaceful. I couldn’t hear the voice inside me as I looked around. It had withdrawn to show itself another time.
I was people-watching. They were having a good time with each other. One of them, a park officer, caught my attention. Just ahead he was carrying colorful stones in his lap. When he was on one knee, he gently placed the stones on the grass. He was decorating the park by arranging the stones side by side and on top of each other. As the park officer continued to arrange the stones, a young lady in white with a straw hat was approaching from behind. When she reached the parking officer, she touched him lightly on the shoulder. I couldn’t hear the conversation between them, but I could see the smile on their faces. After placing a few more stones next to the others, they walked together to an empty bench.
“May I sit next to you?” A woman with a dog in front of her was looking at me. “I hope you don’t mind the dog.”
I gestured to my side and told her she could sit next to me. She sat down next to me, twirling the dog’s leash in her hand for a moment. As she leaned back and looked around, her golden-haired dog was fidgeting right in front of her. When he realized it couldn’t move, he stared at me. He seemed harmless, even affectionate.
When it approached me, I couldn’t help but pull back… “You know, he wants to meet you.”
When he came slowly in front of me, I reached out my hand towards him, preparing to stroke the dog’s head. “What’s his name?”
I took a step forward in life because I was smiling.