I found myself staring into the darkness for a long time.
When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was my mother. When every child is born, the first thing they see is their mother. When I looked at my mother, something was wrong. Her eyes were closed, she was in a black plastic wrap. I was looking at her dead face. That was wrong. I should have been looking into her living, beautiful eyes. I should have said, ‘I love you, mom,’ I should have hugged her and inhaled her scent. When I opened my eyes, I saw the biggest problem of all. The best way to escape was to forget and so I did. I forgot my mother; she was there somewhere but she never existed for me.
When I first left home, I was looking at the blue sky, I had left behind all the things that were mine, the problems that I couldn’t overcome, that I couldn’t solve and that could never be solved. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t move on because I couldn’t see the blue sky anymore. Running away was a new beginning for me. It was a new world where there were and would be no problems.
How could a life without problems ever be possible?
I was wrong, I thought I was free of problems. I believed that once I left my father, my mother or everything else that made me who I was, there would be no problems. That was a big mistake. The problems followed me wherever I went. The fights with Veronica, the lack of money, and Kevin…
T I left all the steps behind me and went up to the roof. There wasn’t a single star in the sky. I was staring at the dark sky and finally I saw the darkness staring back at me.
I felt like everything was back to the beginning. All the memories I had forgotten flooded my mind. They reminded me of their existence repeatedly. I could never escape them; I had only fooled myself all this time.
I started walking slowly to the edge.
I was about to put an end to my life. I understood it all now, a life without problems was not possible. Wherever you were, in whatever form, problems would find you. I didn’t want my life to be like this, I didn’t want my mother to die. If my life had been a little different, would I still be in this situation? I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What would I have to change in my life for that? Right, it didn’t matter anymore.
When I reached the edge, I took a deep breath and then carefully climbed onto the wall.
I wasn’t looking down; it was people we knew. Every one of them was going from one place to another. They didn’t have time to lift their heads once. I was looking into the darkness, hoping to see something there, but it was never going to happen. There was no one here to hold me. No one to connect me to the world. My mother was dead. My father… I should have left Kevin a long time ago. I don’t even remember the names of the few people I talked to. The only name I can remember is Veronica. For the good times we had, thank you.
I took a step towards death, because I was at the center of it all.